The Judgmental Map of Muncie, Indiana

author-pic at Indiana University  

Muncie Indiana, for some crazy reason, is frequently called a “city” despite it having more meth shanties than skyscrapers. National news agencies come here to figure out what the “average American” believes, but once you’re able to see past all the fat jobless adults on healthcare they’re about to lose, the “city” is not a bland as it seems. It’s worse.

Click to enlarge, dummy!

Wine Tasters and Fedoras:
As soon as you step into this area expect to be pulled over for going 38 in a 35 mph zone. West Muncie is the land of the Mike Pence-loving, rich snobs who think their school of 800 should earn a ribbon for existing. Sure the streets flood with townies and rednecks, too, but they wouldn’t know a diploma from a roll of toilet paper, and are only there because they took a wrong turn in a corn maze.

Half Naked Joggers:
What’s with the attraction of A. people to just run for no reason and B. alway feel the need to do it next to water? Are they going to jump in? Do they know the water is mostly meth and factory run-off thanks to our dear former governor and current VP’s environmental agenda? We may not have a “beach” but when it’s hot, just come to the river to get your fill of partial nudity (ya’ creep).

145 Meth Labs:
Conveniently and hilariously nestled below the rich suburbanites and rednecks are the meth heads. How many of these will blow up in the next year? A lot. How many of these disenchanted people will become the Walter Whites of Muncie and become low-key millionaires? Uh, none of them.

Home of the Eggheads:
Cross the White River into the north and all you’ll see are uppity Ball State college students smoking a joints, running red lights, and doing whatever hippie shit is in these days. Though these Cardinals technically have their GEDs, they really learn how to flap their wings in the glorified high school they call “university.” On the bright side, these Cardinals know how to stick together, especially since they all got turned down from Purdue and IU.

Even if you get a scholarship to leave the country, you’ll stay in this sad excuse of a “city” because you’re from Muncie. But you’re proud of that. Keep swimming in the gross ass river, embrace the single affordable pool at the YMCA, and damn the outsider who wants to bring in change! Who needs the world when we have all the average things we could ever want?

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