Booze Review: Kalashnikov Vodka

author-pic at Iowa State  

As a law-abiding, American citizen it’s natural to want to have a firearm in your hands at all times. Even when you’re boozing you might have that urge, perhaps it’s even stronger then, but only a huge idiot would ever pull something like that. Your next best bet is to lock and load with a bottle of Kalashnikov Vodka. Shots anyone?

Grade: A –

Smells Like:

A mix between the 2nd and 21st amendments, on the rocks.

Tastes Like:

The tears of ISIS militants.

Typical Drinkers:

– Old executives who have a bust of Ronald Reagan on their desks.

– People who voted for Trump and tweeted #BuildThatWall but went to Cancun over spring break.

– Those who think it’s necessary to refer to the former President as Barack Hussein Obama.

– People who have a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag hung above their bed.

– A few people out east that did a little collusion with Russia.

User Comments:

– “What if during the whole Iran-Contra hullabaloo, we sent this stuff instead of actual guns? The conflict would’ve been over in a few hours.”

– “This is the drink that can obstruct all kinds of justice!”

– “I like the bottle and all but I can’t deal with this trash, commie vodka. I’m just gonna fill it up with Budweiser from here on out.”

– “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid! I’ll see myself out.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Being a part of the Paris Climate Agreement. Coal is the past, present and the 30 years of future we have left with our planet.

Would It Look Bad To Take A Pull Out Of This?:

Look bad? Regardless of the bottle, you’re slowly killing yourself when you get trashed enough to end up on the tables at Olive Garden for the fifth time. Drink some water once and a while, why don’t ya?

Can I Drink This In Public Places?:

No, are you crazy?!? Just look at the bottle! There’s alcohol in it and unfortunately, we still have open container laws pretty much everywhere.

We Mixed it With:

A can of chewing tobacco and the entire second season of Duck Dynasty on DVD.