Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I don’t want to be alone. Won’t you come on a date with me? I can tell you’re apprehensive, let me tell you why you should say yes.
10.) We Talked After Class That One Time, Remember?:
Hey, I thought we really hit it off. I said you looked great in that mauve sweater and you said you had a boyfriend, but you appreciated the compliment. Well, guess what? Your Facebook profile says you’re single as of January 22nd, and Tommy posted a pic of him with another girl last night, so, how about a date?
9.) I’m An Aries And You’re A Leo So I’m “Pretty Sure” We’re Compatible:
Also, I saw you have a cat named Mittens! Me too! Can you believe I also have a cat I named Mittens? Well, not yet technically, the Humane Society said they’ll get back to me after my trial.
8.) I’ll Cook For You!:
Just tell me when, and I’ll be there with my world-famous spaghetti bolognese. It’s got spaghetti, bolong—anyway, you’ll love it. And I can’t believe your place has gas burners, a true delicacy! I can’t wait to use them!
7.) The Wine’s On Me, Too:
The box was on sale for like, $6.99 and you’re always drinking a red on Instagram, so I thought to myself, “Why not?” Me? I don’t drink, actually, but that’s more for you! Do you want another glass? I can get you another glass. Here, let me get you another glass.
6.) I Told Tommy To Stay The Hell Out Of Your Life:
I saw him coming out of the Shell station the other day as I was walking home from somewhere in this general area, so I just walked up to him and I said, “Hey man, why don’t you back off of Karen!?” He looked at me like I was a crazy person or something, but I’m pretty sure he won’t bother you anymore.
5.) I Got You A Little Present:
You’re about an 8, right? I got you these stilettos. They’re a size 8. Yeah. You’re a size 8. I mean, you look like you’re a size 8.
4.) I’m Low-Maintenance:
Hah, I don’t need much! I mean, I’m—yeah, I guess I did forget to brush my teeth since…nevermind. Hey, here, let me help you try on these stilettos.
3.) Your Parents Love Me:
Remember when your parents called to tell you Mittens was missing, but then they called back the next day to say some stranger found him? Well, HELLO! You’re WELCOME! They said I was a nice young man!
2.) I’m Tall, Dark And Handsome:
Well, that’s according to my mugshot height, this girl I met in another class last semester, and my mom, in that order. So, check, check, and…check! Don’t worry, she’s out of the picture now. I won’t have to see her again, except for maybe this thing at the courthouse I have next week.
1.) It’s Just A Date!:
If you don’t have fun, you’ll never have to see me again. Those bushes across the street from you are evergreen, and no one else has noticed me in there yet. And heck, after next week I might not have a choice in the matter, either.