Tired of meaningless one-night soybean field romps? Much like an in-use contact lens case, The Black Sheep has a solution! Grab your ballpoints and take notes on the following Iowa catcalls guaranteed to successfully trap the hot corn wife you deserve!
5.) “Good evening, madam! Are you headed to Coralville? Because DAM you look like you could generate some electricity through my reservoir!”:
Best shouted out of a car window on Melrose Ave., this sophisticated catcall will charm the kernels off the corn maiden you’ve always dreamed of marrying! We guarantee any Iowan woman who hears this phrase will immediately agree to move to Ottumwa and bear your gassy, towheaded children.
4.) A wolf whistle, but to the tune of the entire Iowa Alma Mater:
Both holy and sedative, this catcall will give your future hot corn wife a taste of what the next 56 years of her life will look and sound like! Be sure to savor the moment your sweet whistle breath infiltrates her breathing air — the merging of Big 10 school spirit and personal romance is a once-in-a-lifetime experience!
3.) “Hey, heyyy cornhusk mamma! Is your zip code 52246? Because I want to 5224-have-sex-with-you-underneath-a-table-at-Gumby’s!”:
This catcall has it all: important billing information, sexual tension, and a shout out to the best pizza around! Scream this baby at any Iowan passersby and be prepared to start shucking on the spot–you’ve just caught yourself a hot corn wife, baby!
2.) “In the UIowa Marching Band, I play the fife! Will you please be my hot corn wife?”:
If the story of the Pied Piper taught us anything, it’s that nobody’s capable of resisting a man with a tiny flute. You’ll be parading your Iowan korn kween home before we can say, “this is sort of cute, but mainly uncomfortable!”
1.) “Girl, you got a Johnson County booty: expansive and prone to flooding!”:
We recommend shouting this catcall perched atop the golden Old Capitol dome due to the unbeatable bird’s eye view of potential corn wives. Once she deciphers the important and educational information regarding county boundaries and flood zones artistically hidden within this seductive phrase, her only logical next step is to spend eternity with you!
Congratulations on landing the hot corn wife you deserve! Continue to shout these catcalls even after your quaint barn wedding, and we guarantee your marriage will be a-maize-ing!
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