It’s the first week of spring semester and University of Iowa sophomore Leia Blimpsack is already full of rage. After four days of reviewing syllabi, walking in negative degree weather, and stress-eating an entire pail’s worth of Boston Baked Beans, Blimpsack could really use a release. The Black Sheep collaborated with the journalism major to find the top 5 CRWC machines perfect for expelling those early semester rage farts on:
5.) Ab Twister Shart Releaser:
Blimpsack hopped on this machine after spending over $300 on a single textbook. “I was full of classic, early semester rage. Once I did that first abdominal twist, however, I felt a lot better – both emotionally and physically! It’s amazing how much tension is held inside a single shart.”
4.) Pull The Rope, Push Out A Big One:
While designed to target muscles in the arms and core, the rope-pulling machine gave Blimpsack a safe, healthy way to expel a particularly hefty early semester rage fart. “I spent all of winter break in an iron lung doing kinky FDR role-play with my boyfriend, so my legs are extremely weak. Of course, I forgot about my crazy schedule that requires me to walk from Philips Hall to Art Building West in ten minutes. Thankfully, I was able to pull this rope a couple of times and push out all of that stress!”
3.) Forearm Pedal for Some Fruity Pebbles:
Commented Blimpsack, “I was originally skeptical of this machine. However, I kept an open mind and mounted that silver stallion. Beginning to forearm pedal, I started thinking about all the group projects assigned throughout the semester and how I’m probably going to have to download fucking Google Slides on my phone again. Within minutes, I was expelling my rage through my cute little colon!”
2.) Press Start, Let’s Fart:
The treadmill: a CRWC classic and the machine perfectly designed to absorb the angriest of flatulence. According to Blimbsack, “The whir and monotony of the treadmill is likely to bring up your early semester anxieties, like how you won’t see your family until March or how you still don’t know what the fuck goes down in the Seamens Center.” All you have to do is hop on, press start and fart fart fart these worries away!
1.) Climby Ladder Farty Platter:
Blimpsack strapped into this machine after logging her twelfth hour of first-day-back icebreakers. “It was getting to the point where every time an Emma would tell the class she loved dogs or a Ryan would declare his passion for traveling, I would feel a rage fart start to double, double, toil and trouble. Thankfully, this ladder climber allowed me to release all of that rage!”
The CRWC issued a Hawk Alert on Friday morning, cautioning students to avoid the gym region due to extremely high concentrations of hydrogen sulfide gas.
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