5 Quintessentially UIowa Things Today’s Freshmen Won’t Remember

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How cute is the class of 2021, you guys? Like really, they’re always on time to class, wear dorm keys around their necks like a leash, and spend Easy Mac money on completely useless textbooks about anthropoid spines. Unfortunately, these ’99-’00 babies arrived a little too late to experience some real Hawkeye gems:

5.) The Hawkeyes’ undefeated regular season:

2015 was a good year for the boys in black…and also Herky, who most likely lost 15 pounds doing the Pancheros Burrito Lift. Even the most **wallflower of UIowa students were pounding keggers and screaming “Fuck State!” An undefeated season is reserved for the neck beards at Clemson, so it truly was a season to remember. And sorry, generation Z, it will surely never happen again. (Have fun in San Fran, CJ.)

4.) Moldy Burge juice:

Thanks to Catlett, our beloved Burge is nothing but a couple of grease spots and abandoned beard nets. Anyone who’s been at Iowa for more than a year knows that Burge has had its ups and downs…lukewarm chicken, greying carrots, and brown lettuce, to name a few. But one of Burge’s many character-filled qualities was always its slightly mold-tinted fruit juices <3. Nevertheless, these spoiled freshies eat like royalty in Catlett. Okay Brad, congrats on pledging Sigma Alpha Longboard, but until you’ve watched the cheese slide right off your pizza in the middle of a crowded dining hall as you try to covertly shove two pieces in your mouth at once, you have STILL never known humiliation.

3.) The presence of an on-campus construction crane:

Put ya hands in the air if you’ve ever Instagrammed a picture of a beautiful Midwestern sunset perfectly adorned by an abandoned basketball court and a majestic crane overlooking the Iowa River! There will always be construction going on around Iowa City, what would the taxpayers do otherwise? HA! But today’s youngins’ really did miss out on the enthralling sight of a real-life construction crane blocking views and deafening ears for months at a time!!

2.) Quadrangle Hall:

Ahh, The Sexy Square. If you’ve never heard the phrase ‘Quad Squad’, then get the heck out of Hawkeye Nation, are we right? First of all, there’s nothing more erotic than a date beginning at good old Quadrangle Hall. Picture this: you begin by summoning ghosts of the past, split a partially cooked Lean Cuisine (courtesy of Quad microwaves), and top the night off with a steamy shower in the communal North Tower bathrooms…until, of course, the water turns a brownish color and suddenly becomes ice cold. Quad was an asbestos filled, wallpapered, war barracks nightmare…but it held so, so many memories for thousands of UIowa students…and millions of cockroaches. Aww.

1.) Weebo, the Burlington Bridge Clown:

Haha, only 90s kids will remember this one right? Sweet Weebs stood on the bridge connecting the east to the west side, and welcomed all the Westside residents to their halls. This 300-pound ball of delight was a huge highlight for all the West is best kids. Come to think of it, no one is really sure what happened to Weebo. Ah well, sweet Weebs, rest in peace. His heart was huge, and probably in large part, made of cheese.

Sorry 18-year-old weenies, we wish that you could have seen these five wonders of Iowa City, but the good news is that by the time you graduate, the new freshmen will be partial robots and will think of the Obama presidency as a foggy memory…you’re still the lucky ones. It’s always good to be a Hawkeye!

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