University of Iowa: home of the lauded Hawkeye football team, the award-winning Hawkeye wrestling team, and the internationally recognized Hawkeye squirrel-fighting team. One of UI’s best kept secrets, however, is its collection of world-class swivel chairs. The Black Sheep visited five of Iowa’s most beloved swivel chairs, to see just how they lift Hawkeyes up down, and all around, even in the darkest of times.
Susan is a longtime member of the Phillips Hall Language Media Center. Fluent in Spanish, French, Portuguese, Mandarin, Arabic, Guianese Creole, and Sleep-Deprived Ph.D. Student, Susan has nurtured generations of Iowa students struggling to roll their Rs and lisp their Zs. Recent Iowa grad Melvin Sheldon said , “Susan’s love and ergonomic support helped me bullshit my way through countless French assignments. She really has a certain j’aime les oeufs.”
One of the oldest and most respected swivel chairs on campus, Garth is known to soothe the nerves of frazzled students with his heartwarming tales of yesteryear. Like a fine wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano, Garth’s tales have grown simultaneously richer and nuttier over the years. Sophomore Mara DuPree remarked, “One night I was in the Van Allen Hall study area, cramming for a Calc exam on the verge of emotional collapse, when I realized I was sitting on Garth. I nestled into his weathered cushion and he lulled me into a state of childlike bliss while softly murmuring Yankee lullabies from his days as a Union soldier.”
Duffy is Iowa’s most popular swivel barstool, and sits in the darkest and stickiest corner of Summit. He’s seen it all, and a spin on Duffy will definitely make you spill your vodka cran on that new dress from White Rabbit. Duffy has been sat on by the booties of scantily clad freshman, sweaty football players, and, one time, Mr. Rogers.
2.) Gilded Angus:
A new addition to the University, Gilded Angus sits in President Harreld’s personal study. Encrusted in 24-karat gold, with a cushion of soft Ohioan silk, Gilded Angus is the University’s classiest swivel chair. Though rarely seen by students, word on the street is that Gilded Angus has a built-in massage function and also doubles as a bidet. We at The Black Sheep were unable to reach President Harreld for comment, likely because he fell asleep in this bad boy.
1.) Your Dormmate’s Fjälrød:
You’re a cheap fuck and still use the plastic desk chairs provided by UI Housing and Dining, which are so uncomfortable they make that year you spent in an iron lung seem like a relaxing vacay. However, your roommate is from “just outside ChicagoTM” and woke up at 4 a.m. on Black Friday to go to Ikea and purchase the fabled Fjälrød. This glorious contraption is comfier than your Currier cot, so sometimes when she is up all night “doing chem homework” with 3rd Floor Matt, you curl up in the roomy Fjälrød for some well-deserved rest.
These inspirational rotating chairs are the perfect place for a weary Hawkeye to rest their laurels. Next time you find yourself in a computer lab, bar, presidential mansion, or just hankering for a firm yet gentle caress of the buttocks, have a seat and take a spin!
Yeah, we all have D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: