From the asylum-like walls of Hillcrest to the nosebleed floor of Daum, all UIowa dorms are essentially the same: overly expensive for what they are, and filled with wood byproduct furniture. It may seem hard to compare the privileged kids living in Catlett to the Dirty Burgies, but The Black Sheep has compiled a list of six classic mistakes all Hawkeyes are bound to make while living in the dorms:
6.) Throwing a “housewarming party”:
There’s nothing worse than a room filled with clammy college kids, except a dorm room filled with clammy college kids. Throwing a housewarming party is a super cute idea for all of you ladies out there with Christmas lights adorning your Jake Paul posters, but let the party idea come to fruition when you actually have a house to warm. Let’s face it Hillcrest residents, no one wants to drink a Coors under the hurried chants of you and your weird roommate with a thigh tattoo as you take turns on RA watch duty.
5.) Inviting your booty call to hang with you and your roommates:
Nothing compares to the fleeting excitement of an “on my way!” text surging through your loins, (even if they did just type “omw”). However, when your hookup hottie is on the way over the windy IMU Bridge to your futon love-nest, put a sock on the door and get rid of your roomie. No matter what she says, she WILL ditch you as soon as formal recruitment season rolls around. Plus, all she’s doing is making small talk about GOT and that one book no one is reading for rhetoric. One of the keys to a successful dorm life is knowing when to get rid of your “other half”.
4.) Cooking a Lean Cuisine in a dorm microwave:
If there’s one thing UIowa dorms are good for, it’s their uncanny ability to circulate any smell, no matter what. After a long day of looking at your high school ex’s Facebook page during lecture, any Hawkeye has the right to swing by John’s Grocery and pick up a meal their mom wouldn’t cry about: a crispy Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisine. Though these babies pack 7 grams of protein, they also have an undeniable odor. All too often, dorm dwellers microwave these babies without thinking of the Fame by Lady Gaga perfume they will waste spraying down their room, and the adjacent hallway. Light a candle Stanley, some stink is comin’ your way.
3.) Accidentally Calling Your RA “Mom:”
They’re there for you at 3 a.m. when you’re sick (drunk crying), they feed you (order pizza for the floor meetings), they put clothes on your back (remind you that you cannot just wear a towel into the co-ed bathrooms), and teach you the difference between right and wrong (post masturbation notices on the bathroom door). Essentially, the similarities between moms and RAs are striking, so don’t be too hard on yourself. And don’t worry, the dark and bitter homesickness will never go away, and you’ll always be searching for mom as you brave the harsh Iowa winds to get to your first big job interview–haha!
2.) Vacuuming before 4:30 p.m.:
Picture this: after a night of making small talk while holding onto a $3 mixed drink, you are relieved you finally can sleep in. You unwind from a week of late-night homework and far too many F’real Milkshakes, only to wake up at 10 a.m. to the hellish suction of a vacuum on the floor above you. Don’t be that dude, Hawkeyes. Your floor is tinted with Goldfish crumbs and pre-Union glitter, we get it, but leave it until the evening to suction up your dorm dinge. You’ll thank yourself when you desperately need to borrow a blow-dryer and the girl downstairs comes in clutch because you’re so agreeable!
1.) Using your SmartTV to watch Reba at too high of a volume:
If you’re anything like us here at The Black Sheep, you are a huge fan of the early 2000’s smash sitcom, Reba, starring the fiery-redhead-country-goddess, Reba McEntire. However, this show’s fan base is dwindling. And by dwindling we mean retiring to spend more time with their grandchildren. Subjecting your floormates to the shenanigans of “a single mom who works too hard” is not a marketable way to present yourself. Stay calm though, McEntire Enthusiasts: plug in some headphones, get cozy in your loft bed, and enjoy the musings of this Texan comfort show in private.
Whether you’re a blessed east sider or the best on the west side, you’re sure to find lovely in-floor friends in any Iowa dorm. Live out the freshman year of your dreams by avoiding these mistakes of past IC dorm residents, and relishing in the (mostly) cockroach-free dwellings the taxpayers of Iowa have provided for you.
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