Your Johnson St. apartment is infested with a family of merle rats and your landlord gave you one month’s rent for free so you wouldn’t sue. What are you going to do with that extra $456? Instead of splurging on a cozy Nordic Beach Wrap or insulin, head to the New Pioneer Co-op and browse their selection of pricey, organic products. Some of them will make you exclaim, “Oh my! Nope, nope, nope!”
6.) Odor-reduced garlic softgels:
Available in jars of 100 or 250, these 500 mg dietary supplements promote heart AND general health! While the softgels are advertised as “odor-reduced”, the idea of popping one of these flaccid, garlicky pods into your mouth hole every morning before starting your bitch-ass Tuesday is repulsive enough to make you say, “Not for me, but cool idea New Pi!”
5.) Walnut burger:
You stand in front of the refrigerated case, eyes transfixed on this nutmeat atrocity. You attempt to visualize what the Walnut Burger could possibly look like outside of the package. Unfortunately, only fecal images come to mind. “I think for some people, this would be a great option,” you declare, “But for me, it’s a hard pass!”
4.) Barleans’s platinum chocolate flavored brain optimizer:
While the packaging on this New Pi product is whimsically pre-industrial-artisanal and reminds you of an old-timey apothecary, “Chocolate Flavored Brain Optimizer” gives you strong “magic beans from Jack and the Bean Stock” vibes. “Wow! This is very neat, but I think I’ll just read the new Ta-Nehisi Coates novel instead,” you tell yourself, placing the package back on the shelf.
3.) Beef-flavored “Beyond Bone Broth” powdered drink mix:
Chock-full of collagen peptides and minerals, this beef-flavored bone powder is the perfect dietary supplement for anyone being held captive in a North Korean prison camp or actively participating in a 2017 session of the U.S. Senate. You, however, are just trying to get a B.A. in psychology and decide, “I’ll leave this here for someone who really needs the strength! Beef is great, though!”
2.) Clam juice:
Packed at the peak of freshness, these bottles of all natural clam juice catch your eye in aisle 7 of the Co-op. As you stand in front of the juices, thoughts such as “How do you juice a clam?” and “Is this an aphrodisiac?” race through your head. In the end, you decide to move onto the next aisle, concluding that your daily diet of Pancheros burrito bowls and Charleston Chews would not pair well with this delicacy.
1.) “Party In My Pants” cloth menstrual pad:
You are no stranger to the maxi pad. You live for a good, girthy, Super Plus Playtex Sport tampy. Hell, you’ve even humored more alternative menstrual products such as the Diva Cup and the small Tupperware method. However, this flannel menstrual pad is just too big of a commitment. “I totally appreciate that it’s environmentally friendly,” you tell the New Pi cashier, “But I’m too much of an animal lover to see that cute yellow owl covered in my uterine lining!”
After browsing through these six products and exclaiming, “Huh! No thanks!”, you decide to spend your entire chunk of extra rat cash on three organic avocados and half a jar of freshly ground almond butter. Thanks, The New Pioneer Co-op!
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