Ahh, December. The “getting-your-period” of the calendar year. On one hand, you’re relieved as hell. You passed your exams and don’t have to carry to term the burden of a lifetime: flunking out of college. On the other hand, you go through a week of hell, constantly craving hollow chocolate Santas and warm gingerbread. And best of all, you can’t go a day without bursting into tears, usually in public. Here are the six best places to lose your shit on the University of Iowa’s campus this miserable December:
6.) Main Library 2nd Floor:
Your chill TA, Joe, may have given you an extension on your research project, but that led you to procrastinate even more so now you curse him to eternal damnation. “May he rot in the bowels of purgatory,” you whisper as hot, angry tears drip down your nose and into your Oasis hummus snack pack that you definitely didn’t charge to your UBill. You continue to rage cry, even as a bespectacled librarian hobbles over with a plate of cookies like a friendly elf.
5.) Under the IMU Bridge:
Those tears will turn your poor wasted face into a frigid saltsicle. Maybe you’ll befriend a kindly fisherwoman. Maybe you’ll get run over by a longhaired long boarder named Logan. As you weep on the banks of the Iowa River like Laura Ingalls Wilder, you contemplate hopping on a canoe and floating away from all your troubles. Your pioneer dreams are shattered when you glance at your phone and realize your paper is due in exactly 48 seconds.
4.) In Your Professor’s Office in Schaeffer Hall:
You only came in to talk about extra credit options, you swear. But your history professor’s compassionate eyes and gentle bowl cut remind you of preschool, when things were simpler. Her office is warm and smells like finger-paint and Goldfish crackers. To make matters worse, she says something sweet when you walk in like, “my office hours end in five minutes.” Cue the waterworks!
3.) During a Test in MacBride Hall:
You held it together for the first half of the exam. You’re feeling good, about to turn it in with time to spare, when suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you see your classmate flip the test over. IT HAS A BACK?! Three short-essay questions about the digestive system?? You didn’t study for this ish!! The paper blurs as your eyes well up with tears. You can hardly tell if you’re looking at a diagram of a human colon, or a portrait of PEOTUS Donald J. Trump. Win some, lose some.
2.) On The Cambus:
It’s Wednesday and you’ve gotten seven hours of sleep this week, total. The bus driver is blasting the latest bullshit Megan Trainor single. The girl on your left keeps bumping you with her elbow as she struggles to get the Snapchat filters to pop up on her face. You would scoot over, but the guy on your right has his legs spread so far apart you’d swear he was about to give a spectacular bathtub birth. When the bus comes to a sudden halt at a red light, Ms. Puppy Filter and Mr. Huge Nutsack somehow both crash into you, and you drop your half-eaten Nutri-Grain bar onto the gritty Cambus floor. Go ahead. Let the tears flow.
1.) At The Crosswalk On The Corner Of Madison And Iowa Ave:
You got wine drunk the other night and forgot to take your birth control pill, so you took two pills last night. Estrogen is coursing through your veins. You stand waiting for the walk signal, and Adele’s “When We Were Young” suddenly comes up on shuffle. Memories of your fleeting youth flash before your eyes. “Oh I’m so mad, I’m getting old, it makes me reckless” you sing to yourself in a Cockney accent as you think about your impending 20th birthday. Adele hits a high note, a single tear rolls down your cheek, and you realize you missed the walk sign and have to wait another ten minutes for the next one.
Yes, December can be an emotional time for a stressed, weary Hawkeye. But just remember, the holidays are just around the corner—nothing more relaxing than a nice passive aggressive Christmas dinner with the family! Onward!