Nothing is better than stuffing your face full of dairy and carbs after a long night of good ol’ fashioned alcohol guzzling. While grilled cheese and pizza are popular drunk munchies options, the walking taco is arguably the best late night snack for any budding collegiate alcoholic. Here are six things you can do on the Ped Mall with your walking taco:
6.) Drop the entire walking taco after slipping on those icy bricks:
Unfortunately, the only warm meat you’re getting after a long night out is the sizzling ground beef nestled inside the greasy Doritos bag. As you walk home, you lose your balance on some thicc Iowan ice and your beloved taco crashes to the ground. You kneel down to rescue it, only to find the beef has spilled. You scream into the cold night.
5.) Flaunt the walking taco in the faces of Marco’s and Spartan’s customers:
Everyone knows you’re hot shit because you’ve got the best food on the Ped Mall. Fuck you, grilled cheese with Cool Ranch Doritos and hot sauce! Go to hell, mashed-potato-bowl! As you pass drunk after drunk, you wave your turgid bag of seasoned goodness beneath jealous noses, screaming “Ha ha! Good luck eating that grilled cheese without taking a Lactaid, you ignorant fuck!”
4.) Wear the walking taco on your head to keep the fiesta going:
Let’s be honest, your hair has been a mess all night. And what’s more stylish than a wrinkled Fritos bag? The gooey cheese helps smooth out your hair and a dollop of sour cream gives it a healthy shine. “Who are you wearing?!” screams the Brothers bouncer. You flip your hair and watch some lettuce slide into the cracks of the brick walkway.
3.) Use the walking taco to paint your own mural on a bench:
Your mom wanted you to be a chemical engineer, but all you want to be is an artist. Loaded with salsa, sour cream, guacamole, and greasy mystery meat, you find the nearest bench and paint with all the colors of the taco rainbow.
2.) Play with the walking taco on the playground like it’s your first born son:
“I think I’d be like, a really badass mom,” you announce on the Summit dance floor. A walking taco is the perfect substitute for a human infant– surely it already knows how to walk given it has “walk” in its name! You climb and slide with your baby walking taco, lovingly wiping away the tomato juice dripping down its face.
1.) Barter the walking taco to a Yotopia employee so you can drink yogurt out of the machine:
It’s been a long night for Jerry the Yotopia manager. Slip that walking taco across the counter and redeem your golden ticket to froyo paradise. As you position your gaping mouth hole directly underneath the salted caramel yogurt spigot, be sure to mentally thank your walking taco for helping you achieve your ultimate drunk desires.
Drunk or sober, the drunks of Iowa City love their walking tacos. Whether you’re frolicking underneath the Ped Mall fountain or perched atop a rusty Ped Mall piano, these portable diabetes snack sacks are guaranteed to make your night out one to remember!
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