In the heat of studying for finals, Iowa’s good behavior will have to be paused for a few hours this Thursday when the Hawkeyes take on the Cyclones at Carver. And just like the big brother in a driveway beat down game, it’s Iowa’s expectation as the cooler, bigger, more popular, more successful school to do what we always do and kick some ass bball style. The outcome can’t always be reliable, but at least our fans are. While the team is hard at work, here’s a list of musts for the Iowa fan base to properly prepare for the big basketball game.
Regardless of what happens on the court, the audience still has the power to remind Iowa State why they are a bunch of insecure squares compared to us (seriously, why is their mascot a bird- do they just want to be Iowa?). All it takes is a group of well lubricated, properly rehearsed, and terrifically loud voices chanting “FUCK STATE” to put those Cyclones in their place. Sing “Do Re Mi” and shatter a couple wine glasses with your stunning soprano before the game, and that way you’ll be prepared to lose your voice and yell until your veins pop.
5.) Practice Your Baer Call:
Iowa’s favorite furry friend may not be an actual blood thirsty bear, but this tall lanky kid with a punny last name can still do some damage, and the claws are definitely coming out this Thursday. There’s a chance we could scare the State team if the audience begins growling and demanding that Fran brings out the Baer. Maybe watch a few YouTube videos of grizzly bears and just get the sound down. Somebody better have a huge bear printout or we’ve already lost.
4.) Chop a Bunch of Onions and Train Your Tear Ducts to Stop Working:
Because- just in case, of course- you don’t want to embarrass yourself and the whole school by crying if we lose. There is no crying inside Carver Hawkeye Arena. That baby stuff can be brought back to your apartment and unleashed when you’re curled in a ball in your shower, letting the hot water blend with the tears of your defeated spirit and swirl down the drain.
3.) Practice Looking at State Colors without Throwing Up or Punching Something:
Because everyone knows that those are the two knee jerk reactions to that ungodly yellow and red. A couple hours before the game you could swing by McDonalds and just try to talk to the employees while suppressing your disgust with their uniform’s colors, and then you should be well trained by the time you see the same colors on the State fans and players. If all else fails and you feel that gag reflex triggering or your fists clenching, just think about McFlurries and fries and take deep breaths.
2.) Dig in to Your Beer Fund:
This one is a no brainer. Rivalry game. Sports. Booze. All of that yelling and growling is going to be a whole lot easier after a few drinks- but you better know your limit, because the drunker and louder you get the more likely you are to do all of the things we have advised against: crying, fighting, and yakking. This game already has the potential to be a rough one, you don’t need to make it even worse with your own embarrassing behavior.
1.) Have Fun:
Ultimately, this rule that we learned in kindergarten is still the most important one. Everyone knows that Iowa is the better school largely because the students know how to have a way better time than State, so as long as they can prove that- they’ve already won.
There are only a few great moments left in 2016, and if Hawkeyes are good at one thing it’s making an occasion out of any Thursday night. This one will surely be one to remember (or maybe that one that you’ll never quite be able to remember), so make the most of it. And as always, GO HAWKS.