Yesterday morning, University of Iowa Student Health sent the following official report: “It has come to our attention that students have been participating in irresponsibly excessive consumption at a local Mexican fast food grill. While the university does not condone such actions, our professional staff has created a list of medically approved remedies to use in the event of a tortilla, rice and meat overdose.” The Black Sheep has conducted extensive research and selected the seven most effective suggested remedies:
7.) Exorcist-Style Projectile Vomit onto a Close Friend or Loved One:
You read a sad article about Iowa topsoil and thought you’d cheer yourself up by sliding four quesadillas with chicken and sour cream down your slick gullet. Two hours later, you feel a demonic churning inside your stomach—looks like Lucifer has taken his final form as a cheesy, gastric acid-powered chicken ball! You turn to your friend Marina and streamline deposit the devil onto her chemistry homework.
6.) Throw On A Pair of Jessica Simpson Secret Fit Belly Maternity Crop Pants:
After pounding three steak burritos and taking two queso shots, your American flag Chubbies are cutting off all circulation from the groin down. Drive up to the Coral Ridge Mall, remembering to take short, “hee hee, hoo hoo” Lamaze breaths along the way. Quickly pop into the store Motherhood, slip into a pair of JSimp’s award-winning maternity pants and experience true, maternal bliss and comfort.
5.) Participate in the Nearest Bikram Yoga Class:
Doctors across America agree that there is nothing more cleansing than a good ol’ group stretch n’ sweat after six pungent, corn and carnitas tacos! Head on over to Hot House Yoga to claim your spot at the front of the studio and Downward Dog your way out of your overdose. Cover up the inevitable orchestra of flatulence by reciting your favorite poem or an excerpt from George Orwell’s Animal Farm out loud!
4.) Pop into Every Church on Clinton St. and Beg for Salvation:
“O’ God, forgive me for eating over 5,000 calories of delicious Mexican cuisine last night. I pray tonight’s explosive diarrhea will purge me of all my sins. But because I have offended You, my God, who is all good and deserving of all my Love—much like a freshly pressed tortilla smeared with guacamole and stuffed with finely seasoned chicken cubes—I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to do penance by detoxing with these communion wafers for the next 48 hours. Amen.”
3.) Adopt a Really Homely Looking, Sick Dog from the Iowa City Animal Shelter:
Nothing will cure your aching, rice and cheese filled body faster than adopting a scrappy, mangey mutt riddled with parvovirus! Applying his rectal cream and strapping on his permanent face cone will surely activate your compromised digestive system. Name your new dog “Barbacoa,” “Pico,” or “Acid Reflux” and you’ll never forget this particular overdose!
2.) Go For a Light Run—in Ottumwa, IA!:
Sure, you could run up and down Burlington Street to detox after a particularly heavy burrito bowl, however, the FDA suggests “small town rehab” is the best way to overcome any ethnic food overdose! Ottumwa, Iowa is the perfect place to recover from eating too much Pancheros. Suppress those fragrant cilantro infused burps and take a simple, light jog through the historic downtown, home to notorious rare book thief Stephen Blumberg!
1.) Consume Two Whole Chipotle Burritos and a Slice of Trident Layers:
Based on numerous theories of equilibrium, scientifically the most effective remedy for a Pancheros overdose is consumption of an equal and opposite amount of food from a slightly different Mexican food chain across the street. Pop in a slice of your favorite flavor of Trident Layers to get that perfect, minty fresh, E. Coli fragrance!
The Black Sheep would like to note that The University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics have refused to confirm the actual medical validity of any of the remedies stated in this article. However, esteemed UIHC physician Dr. Al Lafouk was spotted in Pancheros early last week, and was later seen jogging through Marion, Iowa wearing a pair of maternity jeggings.
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