The month of love has come to an end, but like the weather, horny Hawkeyes are heating up and looking to get laid. The Black Sheep has conducted a very legitimate*, comprehensive**, peer***-reviewed study, from which we have compiled a definitive list of Iowan turn-ons and mid-coital musings:
7.) “I hope I don’t get a parking ticket.”
Iowa City parking meters are Satan incarnates, especially those “1-hour-only” motherfuckers. But plan your booty call between the hours of 6 p.m. and 2 a.m. and you’ll get off scot-free.
6.) “Does she like my Bruce Harreld tramp stamp?”
If you have faced Harreld-Tattoo-Sex-Anxiety (HTSA), you are not alone. Millions of young Iowans suffer from HTSA every year. Call 1-800-I-L-Y-B-R-U-C-E for free advice and back rubs.
5.) The IMU Parking Ramp:
So tight…so satisfying when you turn a corner and find a parking spot and…you can slip right in…okay that’s enough, go take a cold shower.
4.) “This is fine, but I’d rather be playing corn hole in Hubbard Park.”
Sure, boning is great, but honestly sometimes you’d rather have some wholesome, midwestern, beanbag-throwing fun. Ope! Missed the hole again, gosh dang it!
3.) “Is he interested in Panch play?”
Forget butt stuff, every Iowa student knows there’s nothing kinkier than introducing a couple of warm Pancheros flour tortillas into the bedroom. Tex-Mex sex? ¡Sí, por favor!
2.) Oasis Hummus:
Face it, nothing puts you in the fornicatin’ mood quite like a pint of creamy, luscious chickpea spread. And don’t get us STARTED on baba ganoush. *eggplant emoji; squirt emoji*
1.) The Voxman Music Building:
If Voxman fantasies have helped you get it up once or twice, we don’t blame ya. Those curves, those edges, those perfect imperfections…it’s basically architectural porn.
These seven thoughts are scientifically* proven to get any Hawkeye moister than the English Philosophy Building. Now, get off the internet you piece of millennial garbage, and have some intercourse!
*Nope **We interviewed three randos ***The author’s roommate
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.