Caaaan you feeeeel the sexual tensioooon tonight? With Valentine’s day creeping up on your ass, there’s one thing on your mind: “How am I gonna get laid?” So let’s put that Marvin Gaye playlist to use with these 8 sexy UI campus hideaway to do the nasty with your Valentine:
8.) The sitting area next to High Grounds:
Baby, it’s cold outside, but that won’t stop you from getting it in. The benches and tables may be frozen solid, but that’s nothing a little messing around can’t fix! Bring a Hawkeye blanket, an Xtra Thin condom, and a snowbrush. The best part is, you don’t have to worry about cleanup. That snow’s gotta be good for hiding something!
7.) The Hawk’s Ridge Building 3 parking garage:
Down in the darker corners of this parking garage, you can find the most romantic hideaway: smack dab between the half-smoked cigar and the rat droppings is the perfect place to bone. It may be a bit of a bus ride just to get up there, but that just leaves you, her, and a little foreplay. When you show her your secret rendezvous, she’s sure to show you something even better. (Boobs. It’s boobs.)
6.) Under the Black Angel at Oakland cemetery:
For those Valentines of the emo variety, there’s no better place for a sexy striptease than the black angel. Ignore the whole “if you touch her you die” shit. As long as you aren’t rubbin’ the nub off on her, you’ll be fine. Under her large wing is actually the perfect place to do it, since she’ll shield you from the elements and the cops.
5.) The now-vacant Sheraton:
Think of all the open spaces just ripe for the sexing! You’ve got complete privacy, except for the ghosts of sex past that haunt every mysterious stain in the hotel. Do it in the bedroom, bathroom, hallway, laundry room, lobby or elevator. You could even bang on the front desk and there won’t be a disgruntled employee to smack you with a broom.
4.) The laundry room in the Burge tunnels:
Who’s going to hear you tossing and tumbling around—they’ll think it’s the laundry! In the deepest, darkest corners of Burge, the only people walking by are the honors students trying to find their way back to Daum. Just think how good it would feel to fuck on top of the washer on spin cycle. Need a break? Have a mid-coitus Tide Pod snack, and then round two!
3.) The rest area in the Hawkeye Room:
The only people in here want to sleep. As long as you and bae aren’t screamers, nobody will disturb your grind sesh when they’re in the middle of sweet dreams. If that sad grad student wakes up, just pretend you’re asleep. Those big, comfy loungers will carry him back into his anime marriage stress dream. While he buries himself under his nice, warm blanket, you bury yourself some place a little warmer.
2.) Against the brain rock:
If touching the brain rock makes you smarter before a test, think how much smarter you’ll be after fucking on it!! It makes sense, okay? Though it is smack in the middle of the T. Anne Cleary Walkway, it’s easy to shift to one side or the other as students pass by. That public indecency ticket will be well worth it! Lonely single passersby will be too preoccupied with their crippling bitterness to look at you, anyway.
1.) The bouncy turf around the ped mall playground:
During the day, children frolic and play here, but after hours, it’s your turn. That kinky dream you had the other night about having rubber turf go up your ass can finally come true! This state-of-the-art turf is remarkably shock-absorbent, so feel free to play out your wildest sexual fantasies here! Can we get a Reverse Cowboy?!
After V-day is over, there’s a 95% chance you’ll be forced back into the friend zone. Oh well: back to creepily standing in the corner of the Brothers’ dance floor! For the couples still going strong: use protection, stay warm, and most of all, have fun.
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