If there is one thing the University of Iowa is good at, it’s drinking. And tailgates are a way of flaunting this special talent of ours. Whether it’s playing endless games of beer pong, or playing slap the bag with Fireball, the Hawkeyes will be there. Here are 8 different types of people you’re bound to see on Iowa game days.
8.) The guy who graduated 30 years ago:
“Back in my day I used to smoke an entire pound of weed in my dorm and crush 30 beers before the game even started, also I graduated at the top of my class.” We’ve all seen this guy walking around creepily eyeing the girls whose only method of covering themselves is wearing a t-shirt made to fit a 400-pound lineman. You’ll want to steer clear of this guy, unless you want to reminisce on his “definitely real” and totally “not embellished” glory days at the University of Iowa.
7.) The kid who is definitely a serial killer:
“You haven’t lived unless you’ve shot a deer and seen the life drain from its eyes as you insert your knife into its neck.” This person is usually flaunting a “Make America Great Again” hat as well as sipping on a lukewarm Rolling Rock, because he thinks warm beer tastes better.
6.) The “I could definitely start at quarterback if I walked on the field” kid:
“Bro, I’m not even kidding, have you seen me play flag football? Last week I threw 8 touchdown passes against the Chi Omega team.” This person is usually found wearing a Ricky Stanzi jersey, and on rare occasions, full pads. This man will talk to you for hours about he was the best on his freshman year intermural football team, and how he used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile…on his intermural team…his freshman year.
5.) The girl who probably needs to go to the hospital:
She’s usually seen laying down on the ground wallowing in her own vomit, and probably piss. When you go up to ask her if she’s okay she responds with incoherent ramblings about how her boyfriend is “like literally so totally mean.” No doubt this person has consumed enough Hawkeye vodka to kill a small hippo. There is no telling when, and where, she’s going to throw up next. Stay tuned.
4.) The Hawkeye legend:
This majestic creature can be seen wearing Iowa-striped bibs and sometimes even a sailor’s hat. An ungodly godlike man whose very existence hasn’t been fully proven. Can shotgun an entire keg, and then down a pint of Hennessy without even flinching. Is that Hawkeye vodka? Sure. Where is it now? Running through his veins. We’re not sure where he comes from, but we’re glad he’s here.
3.) The Hawkeye mom:
“Okay sweethearts does anyone need anything? A beer? Some food? Make sure you stay safe guys.” Patching up any ailment that the tailgate has, the mom could easily qualify for sainthood. Usually the nicest and most normal person at the tailgate, sporting the classiest Hawkeye gear around. She’s someone you can have a legitimate conversation with, without having to be belligerently drunk to survive the encounter.
2.) The dude-bro:
“Bro, I just want to say that was like the chilliest thing anyone’s ever done for me man, seriously dude, if you ever need anything, don’t be afraid to ask man. I love you bro”
“….All I did was hand you a beer.” Well, you’ll know one when you see one.
1.) The mooch:
“Hey bro, can I bum a beer off you? Dude, I would love one of those hot dogs. Hey, man would it be chill if I borrowed one of your kidneys?” Usually seen skulking around the coolers or grill, the mooch can be seen sporting his trademark backwards snapback, knock off white ray bans, and pierced ears. Don’t look, Herky, it’s too much.
Tailgates at Iowa are an adventure, and like any adventure you must be weary of the people you come across. Have this list in the back of your mind and you’re good to go at future Iowa tailgates. Go Hawks!