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When is the Ideal Time for a Walk of Shame in Iowa City?

Uh-oh. It’s Sunday morning and you just woke up staring at the popcorn ceiling of a Burge triple dorm room that smells so strongly of Hot Pockets your lactose-intolerance is activated. When you reach over him to retrieve your phone, you realize that it’s 10:42 a.m., a feeling of dread creeps in when you think about the shameful trek home. Suddenly you wonder if your normal, 7:30 a.m. leave-time is that glorious after all. Does it just put you in sharper focus of the shameful glares of the morning Mass crowd? When IS the ideal time for a walk of shame in Iowa City?

7 a.m.:
Normally, the earlier the better, but when wearing a flimsy, Forever21 mini dress in the wee early hours of a windy IC Sunday morning, you risk exposing your entire undercarriage to Bread Garden’s opening shift baristas and the parents-in-town-for-the-weekend Bluebird brunch crowd. This option is great for getting home in time to watch the latest Dateline: Saturday Night Mystery right after it’s uploaded, but is it worth a reputation as the “Heinous Hawkeye Flasher”?

11 a.m.:
It seems that the closer it gets to midday in eastern Iowa, the more judgmental the crowd gets. Leaving at 11 a.m. is a great middle ground for those of us who love a good morning spooning however, UI students who actively choose to walk to the main library midday on a Sunday are nothing short of sociopaths. Those JanSport toting posers are likely to take a Snapchat video of your walk of shame, captioned “SOMEONE had a good night lololololol!” for the Iowa Campus Story. Even worse, they’ll probably make direct eye contact with you, as if to telepathically ask, “where’s YOUR backpack?!”

4 p.m.:
Now that the Amish have successfully traveled to the Ped Mall RAYGUN by horse and buggy, 4 p.m. can be a really tricky time to successfully pull of a walk of shame heist. At this point in the afternoon you — or any Hawkeye Hottie– is longing to be back in you apartment dishing on the night’s events to your overly supportive roommate. But, if you don’t plan your route carefully, you are prone to some Old Testament motivated glares. Walk quickly to avoid an “IDAWAHIO” to the face!

8 p.m.:
Whenever you have one of those magical, collegiate weekend hookups, pack a bag full of musings. Your pouch should include, but not be limited to: a harmonica, pencils to possibly sharpen, a hairbrush to aid in that morning glow, and a KIND bar for protein and nut consumption. This bag of fun is perfect to tide you over for a day spent inside the dorm room of your sundown lover, patiently waiting for the perfect time to hit Dubuque Street without drawing too much attention. By leaving in the evening, you successfully avoid announcing to the greater Johnson Country area that you spent a post-SpoCo night with a guy you only boned because you bonded with him over sage cleansing on Bumble.

Your walk of shame deserves to be much more liberating than embarrassing. And as for Brian’s opinion on you staying over all day, constantly serenading him with a harmonica solo: who CARES? Your yogi aunt in Fairfield always told you you were a wonderful house guest anyway.

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