Last month, the Iowa City Downtown District installed a beautiful structure in the Pedestrian Mall featuring several quaint, wooden porch swings. While the installation, “Prairie Box,” was originally intended to be an interactive community art piece, University of Iowa students quickly began using the swings for crazy hot, roly poly swing sex.
The Iowa City Police Department has been busy dealing with a total of 50 calls and 9 arrests involving “topsy-turvey-rock-and-roll-y” porch swing sex.
“It’s a real shame,” said city sheriff Dan Fable. “These swings were intended to be a family friendly community art project. But, like most things in Iowa City, they have been taken over by the broke and horny.”
According to Fable, this trend has been seen throughout the years, from humping tree sweaters, converting the Ped Mall Fountain into a nude bathhouse, to everything about the Iowa City Farmer’s Market. Said Fable, “Iowa students will place their Herkies into Hawkeyes any time, any place.”
The colloquially described “bumpy-bumpy-flippy-floppy-swingy-swing-swing” sex has prompted local chastity chapter and Taco John’s affiliate Why Have Sex? Let’s Eat Tex Mex! to file numerous complaints. “I was enjoying my morning Java House sugar cookie latte when all of a sudden I hear the telltale squeak of porch swing love making,” explained Martha Vineyap, treasurer of the chapter. “It was so upsetting. I couldn’t eat anything until lunch.”
While police and local constituents have been working tirelessly to put an end to this problem, Iowa students continue to enjoy the swings due to the “unbeatable ergonomics” and “kinky splinter foreplay.” One Iowa sophomore, who has requested to remain anonymous, equated porch swing sexual encounters to “taking a Grant Wood painting from behind.”
Thankfully, local artists have been busy brainstorming new potential Ped Mall projects to replace the swings, satisfy all populations, and bring the community together again.
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