In recent weeks, the United States has been hit by three major hurricanes. The recent tragedies have kept the country on edge. University of Iowa students are on edge for a different reason, however: last night, Hawkeyes throughout Iowa verbally assaulted and shouted expletives at their TVs when meteorologists announced that dangerous cyclones would soon be hitting the U.S. coast.
“Yeah right, they can’t hit anything. Especially on defense. They’re terrible!” said Josh Porter, a business major and avid Hawkeye fan who only answers to Herky. “This is our year! The Cyclones can’t do any damage at all!” Porter screamed, as Florida was torn to shreds by the gusting hurricane winds.
The U.S. government has issued states of emergency in the southernmost states due to the cyclones’ sheer power. In fact, one of the cyclones has been called the most powerful in history. Given the severity, officials are urging citizens to take shelter, but Iowa students are doubtful.
“Pfft, that’ll be the day.” said Jeffrey Dimmer, whose entire wardrobe consists of black and gold suspenders. “Cyclones can’t do shit,” Dimmer added, as Cuba literally begins blowing off of the map.
The University of Iowa Department of Statistics has corroborated the widespread claims of Cyclone inferiority. Jenny Blanchard, a graduate student pursuing a Ph.D. in statistics and mathematics, explains:
“All I know is: Iowa is better.” Blanchard continued, “If you look at the numbers, Cyclones have barely done any damage at all throughout history,” as Texas was declared the largest lake in the United States.
The Black Sheep has reached out to God Himself for further comment. “Fuck (the) State(s)!” said God, who sent the cyclones to the U.S. coast. He became an Iowa fan in 2009 when He sent His second son, Ricky Stanzi, to win the Orange Bowl. “On Iowa! Go Hawks!” said God, whose carnage and wrath is tearing the country apart.
The inclement weather may be affecting the south, but school spirit still lives on in Iowa. “Fuck State” is thrown around as often as a Florida rooftop, and the recent Hawk victory is keeping the student body happy. Wins are raining down hard in Iowa like a small town in Texas, and the season is looking up for the Hawks thus far.
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