This past Sunday, Ottumwa native Ann Meyers, mother of freshman Tanner Meyers, reportedly suffered a fainting spell after checking her son’s MyUI account and discovering his UBill balance.
Meyers, a law-abiding wife, Cooking Club of Des Moines member and avid Sagittarius, was shocked to find that her son Tanner had racked up an astounding $20,000 UBill in just over half a semester in at the University of Iowa.
“I was stunned, afraid and confused,” Meyers told the The Black Sheep in a tearful phone interview. Shortly after this testimony, Meyers was heard commanding her husband cool her down with a miniature, antique doll fan.
Ann and her husband are still contemplating which disciplinary actions they will take in response to Tanner’s astounding $20,000 UBill.
“We are thinking about confiscating his dorm microwave,” Mrs. Meyers explained. “That will certainly teach him a lesson. He’s practically addicted to instant ravioli and warm washcloths.”
Despite his parent’s astonishment and anger, Tanner appeared to be quite calm. “I don’t understand why everyone is so amazed at this UBill thing,” the former Iowa All State Chorus member said. “I mean, have YOU ever had one of those cranberry-infused smoothies from the CRWC? In addition to tasting super freaking amazing, they’re also beneficial to my health. I haven’t had a UTI in weeks!”
Upon discovering that the $20,000 debt was mostly due to blended fruit and kale, The Black Sheep ventured to the CRWC and interviewed head cashier and smoothie artist Leah James.
Commented James, “Yeah, I know Tanner! How could I not? Every day he comes up to our counter and spends over $15 on smoothies and build-your-own sandwiches. When I get off work, I always see him lurking around the Burge C-Store, pushing around a stolen New Pi shopping cart, tossing in Oasis snack packs and F’real Milkshakes like a bored Dubai tween. That little dude must be made of money!”
A week since the UBill discovery, Ann Meyers has decided to take the financial blow in stride and move on with her life. “At the end of the day, I’m just happy my sweet Tanner is adjusting well to college life. That being said, I am rage knitting an afghan for Madison, our gorgeous afghan hound. A mamma’s gotta do what a mamma’s gotta do!”
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