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New Ped Mall Addition Just a Big Hole

Everyone knows there are only two seasons in Iowa: winter and construction. Well, gird your loins, Hawkeyes, because construction is in full swing, and The Black Sheep has got the inside scoop on exactly what is happening to our beloved Ped Mall.

City officials have confirmed that the major construction going on in the Ped Mall is all in preparation for the installation of Iowa City’s newest recreational wonder: a giant hole. Right in the middle of town. When asked what kind of hole it would be, exactly, city officials just sort of narrowed their eyes at us and said, “A deep one.”

When asked what residents were supposed to do once the hole was dug, city officials narrowed their eyes even further and said, “Enjoy it.”

“Residents are encouraged to bring their own shovels and help out,” said Parks and Recreation representative Mike Voss. “We feel it’ll be good for the whole city to get involved with the digging. You know when you’ve been in the Midwest for so long that all your emotions are built up right here,” Voss then gestured to his esophagus, “and it feels like they’re strangling you? Digging helps alleviate that.”

Some Iowa City residents are not enthused about the prospect of a giant hole in the middle of the Ped Mall. “I guess I’m just going to miss the fountain,” said local student Claire Wilcox. “Some of my best memories of this town are of me taking a wide berth around the fountain even when it wasn’t on because I was like, what if it just turns on? Even in the winter it was like, what if it turns on? I’m going to miss that.”

“I, for one, am glad they’re putting a hole in,” said an old man wearing overalls who refused to give us his name. “Reminds me of my childhood in Bettendorf. Bettendorf is more hole than town if you can believe it, and we used to roll around in those earthly recesses until the streetlights came on every day.” Overall Man then shouted “Look over there!” We turned, there was nothing there, and when we turned back, Overall Man had vanished.

Local conspiracy theorist Alfred McLean thinks the hole is a distraction. “They dig and they dig and they dig,” he said, visibly sweating in the trenchcoat he chose to wear in 85 degree weather, “because they think it’ll distract us from the fact that they’re painting the old Sheraton a godawful shade of yellow and it’s disgusting.”

Whatever your opinion on The Hole (“We’re branding it as The Hawkeye Hole, or just The Hole for short, said city officials) we can all agree that construction season in Iowa City is a real pain. On the bright side, at least classes are no longer in session, so you have the option of holing up in your apartment and avoiding whatever the hell is going on outside altogether. Happy Summer!

 

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