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Catlett Hall to Promise Entire Floor Devoted to Giant Ball Pit


Catlett Hall, the University of Iowa’s newest residence hall, will open its doors this coming August. The project is worth about $90,000,000 and will house about 1,200 students. New reports say the hall will be the largest on campus and will include a fitness center on the first floor, a very spacious laundry room, and the fifth floor will consist entirely of a ball pit.

“When we designed the hall, we wanted it to be a fully functioning, non-stop fun machine of a dorm,” said lead architect, Sven Hinderfjal. The ball pit will have two sections: the main pit where students can jump and play, and the waiting area for the RAs and parents, which includes a mini bar and slot machine.

UI President Bruce Harreld named Catlett Hall after Elizabeth Catlett, a University graduate and famed sculpture and artist. The university commissioned Disney animatronic technicians to design a fully-functioning Herky robot that greets students as they enter the building.

We reached President Harreld for comment: “Oh I think it’s a great idea,” said Harreld, who originally intended the hall to be his own private fun castle but changed his mind half way through construction and instead made it a student dormitory. “I was going to call it Xanadu, but Catlett was a better fit.”

The residence hall is also set to have a fully functioning Ferris wheel in the entrance, and a laser tag arena on the top floor. Hinderfjal explained, “The only actual living floors will be the fourth floor and half of the third.” 

Due to university policy, every floor will have a study lounge. The lounges will include bean bag chairs, foosball, and air hockey. Each lounge will also include a 24-year-old youth pastor who sits in a chair in reverse and talks to you about “stuff” and “things” and “just whatever you wanna talk about, dude.” 

We interviewed incoming freshman Stacy Kennedy in the newly-open seventh floor arcade in Catlett Hall. “I’m very excited to live here next year. I’ve always wanted a normal college experience. OH FUCK YES!” said Kennedy, as she hit a bullseye in skee ball.

The classic college experience is indeed what Catlett Hall is all about: along with these attractions, the new residence hall will allow residents to study, go-kart race, view exotic plants and animals, gamble, and eat Pancheros on the ninth floor. When it’s time to settle down, each dorm room has luxury XL twin water beds, and mini Oasis hummus cups are placed on every resident’s pillow each night. Catlett opens up in August, we’ll see you in the fall!

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