The Black Sheep Interviews: A Former Quad Resident Who Just Toured Catlett

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Unlike most babies, the new Catlett Residence Hall is drop dead gorgeous. With beautiful architecture, state-of-the-art equipment and an unbeatable view of the nasty ass river, Catlett is by far the swankiest dorm in University of Iowa history. While over 1,000 students are currently enjoying their new digs, former residents of the late Quadrangle Hall are exhibiting mixed reactions to the building.

Last week, The Black Sheep reached out to former Quad resident Katie Milston as she exited a tour of Catlett Hall.

The Black Sheep: Katie, you have the characteristic bloodshot eyes and aged, peeling skin of a former Quad inhabitant. How does it feel to tour this new dorm after living in a building that is legally just a large, above-ground sewer?

Katie Milston: It feels really fucking shitty! To know that if I had been born 3 years later I could have lived in this glass palace? It hurts!

TBS: We are sorry to hear that Katie, because it’s depressing. What were your first impressions of the building?

KM: I walked through the front entrance and immediately smelled warm Milano cookies. I faintly heard Chopin playing softly in the distance. I’m sure the residents enjoy this, but all I felt was pure rage. Did you ever walk into Quad?

TBS: No, unfortunately UI prohibits all sheep from–

KM: Walking into Quad was like that scene in Wonder Woman when she walks into the middle of a WWI battlefield. Except instead of bullets ricocheting off my body, it was asbestos, cockroaches, virgin tears, and Flex Meal remnants from 2007.

TBS: That sounds super frightening, Katie. Like that time the farmer sheared m–

KM: The thing that really hit a nerve was the walls. Those gorgeous, textured, snow white walls, completely free of bullet holes and barbecue sauce. If Quad had had those walls, my time at the UI would have been completely different. I probably wouldn’t be a theatre major, and I probably would still be on speaking terms with my dad.

TBS: Did you happen to spend any time in the lounges?

KM: Yes. I sat on a couch that probably cost as much as my current rent and looked out at the nasty-ass river. I sat there for hours, on behalf of all the former Quad residents, most of whom are now dead or involved in Scientology.

TBS: Bahh, so you were performing a sort of silent protest?

KM: It was not silent. I screamed, I chanted, I moaned. Our voices must be heard. This injustice must be recognized. Living in Quad was like living in Wilbur the Pig’s butthole, ya know, from Charlotte’s Web.

TBS: Yes, Wilbur, I knew him–

KM: These freshmen are coddled. They live in a castle honoring an incredible female Iowa pioneer. I lived in a building that honored a geometric shape — and not even a good one like rhombus or stop sign!

TBS: We are really sorry to see you so upset Katie. Would it make you feel better if you pet my wool–

KM: I WANTED A WOOD-FIRED GRILL IN A GOURMET DINING HALL!

TBS: It’s going to be okay, honey. Here’s a tissue–

KM: IT IS NOT FAIR! I WANTED POD STYLE BATHROOMS!

TBS: Yes, sweetie we know. Please stop flinging snot–

KM: I. DESERVED. HARDWOOD. FLOORS.

TBS: KATIE NO! PUT THE LIGHTER DOWN! NO KATIE! DO NOT TAKE OFF YOUR “QUAD SQUAD” SWEATSHIRT! ARE YOU BURNING AN EFFIGY? OH NO! MY FLAMMABLE WOOL!

After this gripping interview, former Quad resident Katie Milston was hospitalized for Chronic Rage Crying and lead poisoning. The University of Iowa has graciously set her up in a Mayflower suite for recovery and rehabilitation. In addition, no sheep were harmed during this interview. Everyone who works at this company is human. Completely human. 100%.

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