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Review of the Iowa vs. Iowa State Game by a Student Who Didn’t Watch Any Of It


The Iowa vs. Iowa State basketball game last night was a real doozy! With Iowa winning 78 to 64, many University of Iowa students are feeling warm and fuzzy, like a moldy Java House scone. We reached out to sophomore Kathy Merklin for a detailed review of the historic athletic event:

The Black Sheep: Hey Kathy! Can you tell us a little about the game last night?

Kathy Merklin: Yes. There are five resources: wheat, brick, ore, sheep and wood.

TBS: That’s… poetic. Did any players stand out to you?

KM: Yes. The players assumed the roles of settlers. Each attempted to build settlements and cities by trading and gaining resources.

TBS: Kathy, we sincerely apologize for not being clear. We would like you to review the Iowa vs. Iowa State basketball game, not a game of Settlers of Catan. Do you have any reactions to the outcome of the basketball game?

KM: [silence]

TBS: Well, thank you for your time…

KM: Wait! The outcome was… inevitable.

TBS: Oh that’s a very interesting assessment Kathy! Why do you say so?

KM: The players did not choose the proper strategies at the beginning of the game. This had long lasting effects and caused them to lose.

TBS: Spot on. Iowa State’s choice to rely on early offenses was ill-advised. What was the most upsetting moment of the game for you?

KM: When the Robber came out and stole from the other player.

TBS: Ah yes. The “robber” you’re referring to is most likely star Iowa player Peter Jok, right? How would you describe the general ambiance of the game?

KM: Intense. Fun but also very stressful. Lots of pieces to keep track of. Twists and turns. Sabotage and bribery.

TBS: Wow, it seems like you were pretty heavily invested in this game. How do you think the loss will affect Iowa State?

KM: All players tried their best. In the end, it just came down to who had the most victory points. The losers certainly have the Longest Road ahead of them. They needed to roll a ten, but the dice said two. It’s a tragedy.

TBS: Fascinating metaphor, Kathy. Is there anything else you would like to add about the game?

KM: Yes. I really wish there were more wheat hexagonal resource tiles. It’s very difficult to acquire wheat and there is a disproportionate number of sheep resource tiles. Wheat and ore are required for cities and everyone just ends up with so many sheep cards it’s ridiculous.

TBS: Dammit Kathy! Have you been talking about Settlers of Catan this entire time? Did you even see the Iowa vs. Iowa State basketball game?

KM: [silence]

TBS: Well, thank you for your time, Ms. Merklin. Actually no. Screw you. This was so annoying and not helpful.

KM: Wait! I’m sorry. I just really love this board game. Let me make it up to you. Here, let’s have a snack.

TBS: Kathy what the fuck! You can’t eat that, that’s not real wheat! KATHY NO!

Shortly after this interview, Kathy was taken to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics where surgeons extracted a complete board game set of Settlers of Catan from her stomach. Kathy insisted we put in a plug for the “University of Iowa Settlers of Catan Weekend Getaway Adventure Club,” where fans drive to North Liberty and play the board game on the roof of a Walgreens.

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