As sweet Andy Williams croons, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids Tinder swiping, and everyone trying to bang a new dear! It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” However, much like that one fry left at the bottom of your McDonald’s bag, many University of Iowa students are alone and soggy. Thinking about cozying up with a quirky vintage holiday sweater and watching Happy Feet 2 on repeat until January 17? Nice! We highly recommend heading to Ragstock to purchase your sweater, however, be sure to avoid the following five because they gave us super bitchy vibes.
5.) The “Oh, Ok I See! Even Snowmen are Getting Ass. Wow, Thanks for Reminding Me of My Loneliness’” Vintage Crewneck, Medium, $45.00:
We got some really bitchy vibes from Ann and Randy, the two snow people featured on this sweater. Like, look at how smug they are! We get it, you two found each other at the Frosty The Snowman Memorial Banquet last January and “couldn’t be happier.” But Ann mentioning Randy’s impressive “corncob pipe” is always a major bummer. We hope this sweater shrinks in a dryer and is worn by a Build-A-Bear for the next fifty years.
4.) The “We are All Best Friends and When You Walked By We Talked About How Dumb Your Highlights are” Used Holiday Vest, Small, $39.99:
These reindeer are #squadgoalz. Taylor Swift invited them to her cookie decorating party last year. The one on the left shoulder of the vest is actually Gigi Hadid. However, like many close-knit friend groups, these reindeer can be seriously bitchy. Those beady eyes scrutinize every customer rifling through the rack. Said one Ragstock employee, “UI President Bruce Harreld came in here the other day to buy a baja hoodie and those reindeer made him cry. That garment is savage.” We hope this sweater is left at the Coralville Arby’s one day.
3.) The “Dang, Santa has Some Ancient Beef with that Crusty Teddy Bear” Vintage Christmas Sweater, Large, $35.00:
Look at the way Crusty Teddy is just casually sitting ON Santa’s robe! Santa is trying to remain calm and deliver this gift, (which is definitely an adult coloring book for someone’s mom) but he gives C.T. some serious side eye. This sweater has way too much passive aggressive drama. We hope it all comes to a head in a Twitter fight between Santa, Crusty Teddy, and Sean Paul.
2.) The “We are Athletic Bears and You Ate an Entire Family Sized Frozen Lasagna for Dinner Last Night” Used Crewneck, Medium, $50.00:
A small bear holding two fiery candles is in better shape than you. Although the bear on top is bitchiest, it’s clear the base bears are in severe physical pain. Buy this sweater and then cut off the bottom row of bears to relieve them of their misery.
1.) The “No, it’s Not a Jolly Exclamation, I’m Really Just Calling You a Ho” Vintage Christmas Shirt, Small, $20.00:
After spending all night delivering hover boards to shifty fifteen year olds and drinking thousands of glasses of milk despite his lactose intolerance, this Santa is on edge and frequently on the toilet. Be careful when offhandedly mentioning your date with Mrs. Claus. Yes, they have an open marriage but this Santa will still call you a ho three times in a row.
Make sure to print out this list and have it on hand as you pick out your Ragstock Christmas sweater! And remember, just because your sweater isn’t bitchy doesn’t mean you can’t be bitchy over the holidays. Murmur “Burge ham is better than your dry ham” under your breath whenever Aunt Jan passes by. Have a bitchin’ break!