UI Freshman Makes New Year’s Resolution to Finally Wash Crusty-Ass Duvet Cover

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After suffering a small bout of gout this semester due to poor hygiene practices, freshman Ariel Brungston has vowed to wash her duvet cover for the first time since the school year began. Now on winter break, Brungston has made this brave decision her New Year’s resolution.

“I just never washed it,” Brungston explained. “The idea of peeling it off of my comforter, putting it in the wash and then inevitably forgetting to put it back on the comforter for several weeks seemed exhausting, but I think I’m finally ready.”

Throughout the semester, the duvet cover was subjected to a wide variety of goops, creams, and ramen flavors. It wasn’t until after complaints from other residents living in Brungston’s dorm regarding the “horrifying cotton mass occupying Room 305” that she felt she really had to do anything about it.

“I originally thought it was cute,” said Brungston’s roommate, Katie Sheldon, when recounting her experience with the duvet cover. “I remember our first night staying in the dorm. Ariel and I jumped on top of the duvet and vowed to stay best friends forever. Little did I know that my feet were caked in rich Iowan topsoil and that Ariel would turn out to be a disgusting C-bag.”

Brungston’s duvet cover has certainly been through a lot. Initially purchased in a $64.99 sheet set from the Target in Aurora, Illinois, she was drawn to its green and blue paisley pattern. Now the paisley pattern is unidentifiable under spots of blue and green mold, and the value has dropped significantly.

“Ah yes. I remember that duvet cover. I wrestled it onto my sweet Ariel’s comforter when we moved her into her dorm,” said Ariel’s father, Kurt Brungston. “I actually got super winded from the process and had to go into downward dog for several minutes to calm down. I can’t even fathom the number of sun salutations I’d have to endure to cope with that thing now.”

“My duvet cover really never bothered me,” Brungston commented. “Sure, it was crusty at times, and yes, it often smelled like a container of cottage cheese from 2011, but it always kept me warm.”

When asked how she would finally execute her New Year’s resolution to wash the duvet cover, Brungston proudly stated she would likely hand it off to her mother who is “really good at laundry and stuff.”