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UIowa Student Shocked to Learn No One Cares About Her Spring Break Plans


All spring breakers know two things. 1.) They’re going get so wasted they’ll need another break to recover from this one, and 2.) they should’ve started going to the rec a month ago. Some, however, like UIowa junior, Jessica Misra**are learning there’s one pitfall to spring break. No one seems to care where she is going.

With the big week quickly approaching Jessica wanted to tell anyone who would listen all about her amazing plans. She informed us that she will be in the exotic land of Panama City Beach, otherwise known by its devoted following as, PCB.

According to her, it was from pure jealousy that others’ eyes “glazed over” when she mentioned for the 20th time how tan she is going to get. When asked if Jessica could remember anyone else’s spring break plans she looked confused. “Other people’s plans?” She quickly changed the topic.

According to her, her professor started canceling his office hours after he asked her three weeks ago if she had any spring break plans. “He’s told me he’s had diarrhea every week since, and not to come in. In my latest email I sent him I told him maybe he’s the one who needs to ‘see a doctor,’ not me.”

Friends of Jessica’s have started avoiding eye contact, but this has only made her resort to outside sources. “I showed this girl who made eye contact in lecture this restaurant I’m going to over SB, and I already think I know what I want to order.” When asked about the incident the girl commented that she was only was wondering if Jessica was the girl who got kicked out of Brothers this weekend and made a scene. “Yes, that was me.” Jessica boldly stated.

During the interview, Jessica spotted a confused parent and her high school-aged son on campus, clutching a yellow Hawkeye bookstore bag. “I’m going to go offer my assistance to those poor, lost, souls and give them a tour of the medical campus. It’s a safe bet his son is going to be pre-med. I mean who isn’t? Anyway I think this will give me enough time to tell them what I’m going to pack!”

Jessica was last seen chasing the parent and high school student into the ped mall.

***Jessica Misra is an alias used to protect our informant’s identity



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