University of Iowa Majors Renamed to Fit What They Actually Are

author-pic at Iowa  

In a simpler world, all future Hawkeyes would walk on to campus knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their lives and then walk out four years later with the job that their studies qualified them for. Unfortunately, with majors like American studies and enterprise leadership, no one knows what the hell their major actually means. Luckily, The Black Sheep put together this list of translations to help people understand.

Nursing — “Moving Back to Chicago A.S.A.P. to Raise Five Kids Solely on Portillo’s”:
God bless the good people who want to spend their lives wiping old people’s butts and being bullied around by doctors, and God bless Iowa for having one of the best programs in the country to learn how to do so. With our top tier program, Chicago suburbanites have been filtered directly to Iowa City for generations, but always plan on returning to the Homeland of Blackhawks jerseys and hot dogs. The nursing major is always the mom of the group, and probably a straight edge too seeing as the university will execute them or something if they step out of line.

Engineering — “Being Better Than You”:

How can you pick out an engineer in a crowd of people? They’ll tell you. An engineering student loves nothing more than taking up three tables at the library just for their sprawl of homework, then telling anyone and everyone about that homework, and how hard it is. But they also build the annual corn statue, so at least they’re doing something right.

Speech and Hearing Sciences — “Helping People Talk”:

Not a nurse, but not a doctor, the elusive speech path major is probably a great human. Often they have a compelling, personal story about a speech impediment they or someone they know had, which is the only way they ever heard about this weird major and Iowa’s surprisingly great (even if sort of fucked up) program.

Gender, Women’s & Sexuality Studies — “Making Everyone Else Feel Like a Dick”:

There’s no way to avoid offending a GWS major, the originators of the term “triggered,” so we’re not going to bother. This major is all about learning the subtle ways that humans suck and then carrying that deep, angry pessimism all around campus to pass on to anyone who will listen to your Facebook rants.

English & Creative Writing — “Paying Tuition for Book Recommendations”:

We don’t know what creative writing majors are doing at school other than wandering through Prairie Lights sniffing the pages of books like crack heads and pointing out that Iowa is “The Writing University.” And we sure as hell don’t know what they’re doing after school, other than spending money they don’t have on drugs and alcohol to channel their inner ~Ernest Hemingway~.

Business — “Moving Back to Chicago A.S.A.P. to Drink at Cubs’ Bars and Make Money”:

The high concentration of Greek life in TCOB makes perfect sense considering that the business men and women of America’s main skill set consists of holding their liquor at the company party, and schmoozing customers. It’s only a shame that Iowa forces them to learn about accounting and not just what “business casual” means. For every cute blonde nurse hoping to raise their kids in Cubs gear, there’s a vaguely douchey business guy happy to fulfill that American dream.

Iowa students are a proud bunch, channeling the motto “work hard, play hard.” With this trusted list, now Hawkeyes can realistically understand what they’re working toward.

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