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UI to Build Wall to Keep Upperclassmen Out of Catlett Dining Hall

With the opening of Catlett’s new dining hall. With such delicious food so close, and in such a surplus, upperclassmen have been trying to infiltrate the facility.  The University of Iowa has proposed building a wall to manage in the influx of hungry students.

Freshman Catlett resident Daisy Billings told The Black Sheep about her experience with these “hangry menaces”. “He was so nice when I first met him,” she said, referring to an unidentified junior. “But then he was really pushy about using my guest swipe, though, and then when I finally let him, he never talked to me again.”

Billings’ tragic experience is just one of many. There have been numerous reports of siblings refusing to hang out with their younger brothers or sisters unless they get free food out of the deal. The Black Sheep has also received reports of a growing black market for fake student IDs- guaranteed to scan.

“My friend’s been making fake IDs for years, and he’s had success with it,” said senior Erin Burns. “The demand for fake student IDs though, has really been a challenge for him.”

UI Administration believes that building a wall will send a clear message to intruders. Iowa’s administration, among the most attentive to the successes of China’s Great Wall and Trump’s proposal to build one, is proud to pioneer the first ever collegiate scale blockade to keep to students in their place.

UIHD employees armed with ID scanning guns will patrol all entrances along the wall. They will not permit any student without the required identification.The penalties for penetrative attempts on the wall include, but are not limited to: required volunteer hours in the bowels of Dirty Burge, and limitations on queso from Pancheros.

Iowa spokesperson Hank Franks said, “We hope that some time spent scraping omelettes off of dishes will help clear the minds of these volatile students.”

Details for the wall’s construction are still being fine-tuned. Upperclassmen will soon have to fend for themselves, and everyone at Catlett will soon get sick of the food anyway.

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