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5 Reasons Stony Brook Doesn’t Stand a Chance

In a move that surprised pretty much no one, the Dukes are the #1 seed in the FCS playoffs. As such, the Dukes were given a bye for the first round. However, the Dukes are back this weekend, and Stony Brook is coming to town. Who has the edge for Saturday’s game at Bridgeforth? Let’s look at the most important details:

Mascot:

Stony Brook: Wolfie the Seawolf. What the fuck is a seawolf? While wolves do live in a large variety of climates that span continents, there’s never been a documented case of a wolf living in the ocean.

JMU: Duke Dog. The man-sized bipedal dog who manages to bring a smile to all those that see him. He truly is a good boy.

Edge: Now normally a wolf would beat a dog in a fight. However, given that Wolfie is a…uh…seawolf, one would have to assume that he would do poorly in the mountains of Harrisonburg with no ocean in sight. JMU has the edge in this one.

Marching Bands:

Stony Brook: Keeping true to their mantra, “we will always support our Seawolves, as long as we don’t have to go anywhere to do it,” Stony Brook’s Marching Band will not be coming to Harrisonburg this Saturday.

JMU: The Marching Royal Dukes truly are something special. Every band member from every other university wishes they went as hard as the MRDs. Where else can you find a band that will get the crowd into the game one minute and be slamming beers the next? Certainly not Stony Brook.

Edge: JMU

 

Fans:

Stony Brook: As with the seawolf, there’s never been a documented case of a Stony Brook fan existing. Some claim to have seen them on Long Island, however, these claims lack evidence to back them up. Any description of what one might look like is purely speculative at this point.

JMU: Rowdy, loud, and usually drunk, JMU has one of the most passionate fan bases in college football. When out in full force, Bridgeforth Stadium is about as hostile as the Harrisonburg City Council is towards JMU students.

Edge: JMU

 

Coaches:

Stony Brook: Chuck Priore, AKA Mr. Has-Never-Been-Past-The-Second-Round. A man who has gone on record stating that Stony Brook will take the CAA title from JMU next Saturday, apparently not realizing that the CAA title is decided in the regular season.

JMU: Mike Houston, AKA the Patron Saint of JMU. A football-god among men, destroying all who stand in his way. Whether creating a defense for JMU, inspiring nations with his speeches, or defeating the great Bison of NDSU, there’s nothing this man can’t do. 

Edge: JMU

 

Most Impressive Moment From The Season:

Stony Brook: Their impressive playoff win over the 5-6 Mountain Hawks of Lehigh in front of a home crowd of five people.

JMU: Literally every second of it.

Edge: JMU

Taking 5 of the 5 categories, JMU is pretty much guaranteed to win this Saturday. The Dukes are no strangers to the playoffs; however, things will be different this time around. Like the world’s most inept thief, JMU won’t be sneaking up on anybody this year. There is a target on JMU’s back, and every round will get tougher. Also, if we jinx the playoff run and prevented an eventual back-to-back National Championship,

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