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5 KU Heroes that Should Replace Provost Bendapudi

It was announced earlier this month that Provost Neeli Bendapudi will be leaving us to take the position of President at the University of Louisville (the first woman to do so, big props to her). We figured it wouldn’t be until next semester because that makes sense, but damn, it looks as though she is already in Kentucky and will start in May. Whatever it was she did while she was here, we are going to need another one. Otherwise, whatever work she did will simply not get done, and we cannot have that. (Does anyone know what a provost actually is?)

5.) Unicycle Guy:
Everyone on campus has seen Unicycle Guy, and everyone likes to be the one who says “Haha, EVERYONE on campus has seen Unicycle Guy!” The man is the closest thing that KU has to an unofficial mascot, next to Rob Riggle and the crunchy chicken cheddar wrap. The pure animal strength of his calves and his truly unnatural balance will serve him well in doing whatever it is that a provost does.

4.) Paul Rudd:
Alright, so this one is definitely more a publicity stunt, but if you know the game, you know that presentation is everything, and that having Paul Rudd as provost would be something that would make people say “Oh wow, neat” at the very least. We may push the whole Paul Rudd agenda to an excessive point, but it’s okay. Paul Rudd 2018.

3.) That Chick-fil-A employee at The Underground that keeps the fries coming:
Four times out of five, Chick-fil-A has you waiting for those delicious waffle fries for a minute or two, which is hardly a burden, but let’s bellyache about it anyway. The other 20% of the time there’s a dedicated Chick-fil-A employee who’s busy hauling ass, stopping at nothing to keep those fries stocked. A Chick-fil-A employee so on-brand that the only reason they don’t say “my pleasure” is because fries have become their only language. The craft consumes the artist, and with a drive that focused, there’s no way they wouldn’t kill the position.

2.) Chancellor Douglas “Hot Rod” Girod:
If we’re thinking economically here, it would make sense to just allow Chancellor Duggy to simply absorb Bendapudi’s position and take on her workload. The fella takes home like half a mill a year from KU alone, what could he possibly be doing in that house, running an escort service? Nah. That’s more of a Louisville thing. HEYYO! All jokes aside though, seriously, what does he do all day in that big ass house?

1.) Baby Jay:
So far, most of these nominees have been male, and why would we replace a woman in power with anything else? Baby Jay needs something to do in the off-season, and for all we know the provost’s job description could be exactly what she does right now anyway. Bendapudi has not been known to traipse around in a mascot uniform, but then again, she only seems to exist during Hawk Week, so who really knows?

A provost is undoubtedly a key player at any school — why would a college pay an unnecessary administrator hundreds of thousands of dollars for no reason? That just doesn’t happen. Without a provost we will almost certainly suffer, so it’s time to narrow it down one of these KU stars.

 

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