Good morning everyone. It’s just a regular day, wink wink. Actually, I just got stoney bologna and I’m headed to class. Don’t worry though, I smoke weed all the time. When it comes to hiding the fact that I’m stoned, I should be the professor. The point is, none of my profs will suspect a thing. Here are five professors who have no idea I’m stoned in class, when in fact, I am higher than a rogue balloon at a birthday party.
5.) Dr. Lee:
Haha, she has no idea how high I am right now. Truth is I don’t even know what this lecture is about. I’m more focused on this blackboard. It seems old-fashioned. I thought, as a society, we moved on to whiteboards? You can use colors, and they don’t make that awful screeching sound. Ah shit, I just remembered I have to check Blackboard to see if that grade got posted. Wait…. That’s why they call it Blackboard!
4.) Dr. Breslow:
Ok, Dr. Breslow might know. He keeps making eye contact with me. But that might be because I’m eating in class. Is that a rule? Am I not allowed to eat in class? What about that time Jessica brought spaghetti and breadsticks in a bag and ate a full meal? He didn’t say anything about that. Oh God, maybe I’m chewing really loud. I mean, I’m not gonna stop eating though…
3.) James the TA:
Ok, I know this looks bad. You called on me to answer a math problem and I responded by pitching my alternate ending to Fight Club. But to be fair, that was a really hard problem, and I’m not good at math. Also, I promise I’m not stoned. May I use the restroom? I’m really uncomfortable.
2.) We’re three months into the semester and I still don’t remember your name:
LOOK AT THIS POWERPOINT, SHE’S ONTO ME. Is this because I stared at my hands for 10 minutes trying to see the different words I could spell besides ‘blood?’ Is it because I tried to see how long I could keep my eyes open without blinking? Or because I laughed really hard at the word ‘titillating?’ And how did she make that PowerPoint so quickly??
1.) Professor Stephens:
What’s going on? You’re not Professor Stephens! I can’t feel my face and I’m not even in a music class. Maybe I shouldn’t have smoked whatever that dude gave me out behind Budig. You know what, I think I’m just gonna ride this one out. Class ends in 20 minutes and I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the flute.
Alright, I think I learned my lesson here. Going to class stoned is 100 times better, 100 percent of the time. And no one suspected a thing. Smoooooooth.
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