7 Ways to Explain to Your Family Why You’re Single as Shit this Holiday Season
With Hanukkah more than half way through, Kwanza just heating up, and all the Christmas parties your family left to linger after the holiday everyone who is perpetually single this season is Mr. Krabs-ing on their trips back home. We’re all curious as to how to protect ourselves from the most infuriating question asked around the holidays: “So, are you dating anyone?” The Black Sheep has compiled a few helpful phrases to keep your family from thinking you’re just a sad sack of shit..
7.) “I’m celibate.”:
More than likely to conjure an “oh, wow, okay,” kind of response. Claiming celibacy in the name of the Lord is guaranteed to deter any nosy Aunt Christine from asking anything else about your love life. This also provides the promise that you are going to avoid a pregnancy for quite some time, so this is a two-for-one kind of deal.
6.) “I joined a cult on accident and am trying to get out of it still.”:
Another shocking response that will allow you to really get creative. What kind of cult? Who runs it? Are you killing people Manson style, or just kind of kickin’ it in the pastures like the Amish? Shrug it off as a joke or keep it going all winter long, sending mass updates via email to family members on the progress of trying to “escape.”
5.) “I’m trying to work on myself right now.”:
This is a classic chick-flick reply, and it is totally applicable at the Hanukkah menorah lighting ceremony. This will have everyone convinced someone broke your heart, when really you just broke your GPA. Either way, you’re hoping Uncle Tom will be cool about it. If you want to go the extra mile, you could include your new workout routine and talk about how your all greens diet is really clearing up your skin. Works every time.
4.) “I had my soulmate’s number and then I lost my phone, so…”:
This is admittedly reaching, but at least this response gives off the impression that you are actively searching for your true love and just keep running into bad luck, dammit. Explain to your family just how hard it was to lose someone you knew so well. “He was so good at listening and had the biggest hands. He was definitely the one that got away.” *cue single tear*
3.) “I don’t ever leave my house.”
Are you someone who doesn’t feel comfortable telling lies to family members? Then this response is perfect for you! Presumably, with a failed cuffing season and a severe drop in temperature, you have stopped leaving your house, making it nearly impossible to find “the one.” So, when a family member asks you why you’re single, think like our president-elect and “tell it like it is.”
2.) “I’m drunk.”
We’re getting to the bottom of the barrel here, or the bottom of the bottle, but that makes these no less effective. The end game here is to deflect, deflect, deflect so no one knows you’re lonely, right? So, what better way to deflect the question than to slur through conversational norms entirely? Even if you’re sober, fake it ’til you make it.
1.) “Monogamy is a social construct.”
Whoa, hey there third-wave feminist! This reply is bound to shut anyone up because it’s just. so. annoying. Guaranteed, being a social justice warrior will not only shut down the significant other discussion, but also all other forms of communication with said family member. Be sure to glare for added effect.
It’s the season of giving, so give some excuses to your family as to why you are so incredibly alone, and that you spend too much of your time making your own doilies to be bothered with a relationship. And when your family still won’t quite, assure that it’s okay because you’ve just re-download Tinder. Happy holidays!