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KU Parking Launches Bike Share Program Literally No One Asked For

By far one of the most universally hated things at the University of Kansas is campus parking. In the latest installment of ‘Stupid Shit KU Does that No One asked For,’ KU Parking launched a new bike share program.

“Of all the things KU Parking could have done, this really ranks at the very bottom for most desirable,” said sophomore Tyler Burns. “Did they announce a new parking garage? New lots? More parking permits? Cheaper permits? Nope. Instead we got a shitty phone app and some god-awful bikes.”

“Ok, so maybe the idea is dumb and useless but do the bikes at least look cool? Nah fam, these bikes are ugly as fuck,” complained another student, Aaron Hersh. “They’re supposed to be KU themed with our school colors BUT, in reality they just look like Elmo, Grover, and Big Bird took turns jizzing all over a kid’s bike at Walmart.”

Each bike comes with its own basket in the front, perfect for holding all the panties thrown riders’ way when biking down Jayhawk Boulevard.

KU Parking threw a launch party on Wednesday outside Stauffer-Flint that was reported to be “less lively than some funerals”. At most there were 12 people there––including the KU Parking representatives. 

Between that and the “hot chocolate” that tasted like lukewarm water someone threw a Hershey’s kiss into, it’s no one wonder their “party” was a flop. Well, that and the fact that it’s a stupid idea that no one wanted.

The Parking staff offered test rides to anyone who was curious and interested, later revealing that these students were paid to perform this stunt. Even KU campus icon, Unicycle Guy rolled up to see if the bikes met his high standard of wheeled transportation. At that moment, everything went silent and you could hear a pin drop––and not just because there was no one there.

KU’s new bike share may not be the program students need, but it’s not the program they deserve either.

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