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Leaked Emails Reveal KU Chancellor Not Planning Snow Days

 

Among the information found in Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little’s emails, a leak swiftly becoming known as Gray Gate, was a piece of news that no Jayhawk was ready for: KU’s top officials have been secretly adjusting the upcoming semester to not account for snow days.

In a memo from the Chancellor’s desk to the Office of Registrar, it was revealed that “The time has come for the next step in our plan. Cut snow days from the school calendar; the children shall be integrated one step further.”

Outrage in the student body has been palpable, seeing this as Gray-Little’s last opportunity for revenge on the students before stepping down.

“Does no one remember last year when three kids broke bones walking up the hill in four inches of snow?” asked Alexi Green, a junior living on campus. “Almost no one showed up to classes that day, but professors still counted everyone absent! This is an injustice.”

Senior Tasha Hermsted wasn’t surprised at the news. “I’ve been here four years; I’ve seen some shit,” she said. “This isn’t a revelatory conspiracy. This is proof of the conspiracy I knew there was all along. The administration is against us, and now their cheating us out of down time in the run-up to finals. Frankly, I’m terrified. What else could they be plotting? No more chicken tenders?”

Digging into the cache of leaked documents, The Black Sheep, KU’s most trusted source for news, has found extended conversations between the Chancellor and the Lawrence Board of Education to the purpose of simultaneously striking snow days from their calendars, effectively rendering the concept nonexistent in Lawrence.

“That makes a little sense. Lawrence High and Free State never have snow days. Once, it snowed eight inches and they didn’t cancel,” commented a student at The Hawk who requested not to be identified. “Uh, not that I would know. I’m uhhh, in college.”

Theories abound as to how a lack of snow days could fit into an overarching scheme between the institutes of education.

“I’ll tell you what it is,” said concerned student Max Greenfeld outside Wescoe in a protest. “They’re training us to be drones. Come to school, be it rain or sleet or hail. Always make sure to do what you’re told, even in the most senseless circumstances. That’s what it is—resilience training to be a more efficient work army. Wake up, sheeple.”

No official statement has been released to countermand any of these accusations, or reassure any upset students. One can only assume the Chancellor is waiting for news to do what it always does on campus: blow over and be forgotten.

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