The following is an intercepted email from Chancellor Girod to the students of KU.
Dear Students of the University of Kansas,
Recently, it has come to my attention that our university has been ranked as the 19th best school for partying by The Princeton Review. As Chancellor of this fine and blessed university, this ranking will simply not do. I won’t stop until our party scene is as recognizable as our basketball team. So, I present to you, my guide to a “popping-party” scene:
Getting a Fake:
The first step in achieving the #1 party school status is making sure everyone is partying. That includes, but is not limited, to you, freshmen. Now, many, many years ago, 18 was the legal drinking age. During this time, I was flocking to bars every day and night. However, much like everything else, millennials have it much harder these days, which is why you’ll need a fake ID. When ordering from your illegal ID producer of choice, make the address on your new ID as real as possible. The bars are already taking a chance on letting some prepubescent students in, so there’s no way they won’t be questioning the legitimacy of “123 Maple St.,” as your address.
Using Your Fake:
While I’ve never used a fake ID, I’d imagine the best tip to give you when using it is to avoid eye contact, much like KSU fans do after losing in the Sunflower Showdowns. Be sure to stand as straight as you can: posture is vital. Your fake ID may say that you’re 22, but a majority of you have the height and confidence of a 12 year old.
As chancellor, I feel this is one of, if not the most important step. Not only will you be partying, but you’ll also be supporting our football team, something that’s rarely done. You’ll be sporting school spirit, as well as helping improve our party ranking. Back in my day, the best kinds of parties were the tailgates that had me “blacked out” or drunk beyond my wildest imagination, before 3 p.m. Freshmen, take note.
Go to House Parties:
As a fellow brother (“bro,” as I’ve heard it is referred to now), I know that all fraternity members will be eager to see your smiling face at each and every one of their house parties. If they happen to ask, “Who do you know here?” merely drop a common generic white male’s name, like “Jeff,” “Josh” or “Michael,” and you are guaranteed entrance.
I cannot stress this step enough. Partying in Manhattan is hereby forbidden. Not only would you have to step foot in Manhattan, but you would surely have to sidestep cow shit the entire time you are there. If by chance you break this newfound rule, and the authorities close in on your drunken state with vigor, you will at least have a chance of being on the Lawrence Police Department’s “tweetalong.” As Chancellor, nothing would make me more proud than a student’s shenanigans going “viral.”
I urge students to take my sage advice. If our ranking doesn’t improve to the #1 spot by this time next year, at the very least I get to live vicariously through all of you.
Best of luck to you all, and Go Jayhawks!
Chancellor Douglas A. Girod
The University of Kansas
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