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BREAKING: KU to Spend A Lot of Money on Shit Literally No One Asked For

From the $350 million football stadium renovations to the entirely new Central District, KU has been pouring millions of tuition dollars into projects that literally no one asked for.

“These investments are increasing my tuition,” said sophomore Joe Honer. “I’m taking out more loans, I’m pretty sure my scholarships are losing value, and this shouldn’t be happening when I have a 3.8 GPA. A 3.8! I’m nearly perfect! Why am I being punished?”

The Central District will add many new features to KU’s campus, including new apartments, two new science facilities, a parking garage even though there’s already a parking garage, and a second union.

“Why do we need a second union?” Honer asked. “We don’t even use the first one. We buy our books online and get crunchy chicken cheddar wraps from The Underground. The Union’s benefits are outdated.”

To counter this common belief, KU is also investing in minor renovations for the Kansas Union.

“The logic is simple,” said Weston Ramm, chief financial advisor to KU. “If we make everything at KU appealing to look at, no one will notice the differences in their bank statements. We pay off our debts by charging them more, and they love the campus. It’s a win-win.”

Students also spoke up about the new parking garage. Joe Honer led the attack.

“Yes, we want more parking. No, we don’t want to park at the bottom of the hill. It’ll be the same as parking at the Rec; we’ll park there because we have to, but we’re still walking half a mile up the hill every morning so it’s like, what’s the point?”

“You see,” Ramm explained. “We know what the students want. We’re not on campus as much and we don’t know any of the little things that piss off our students, but we know what they want. They want renovations, construction, blocked off roads, and rising tuition. And that’s exactly what we’re gonna give ’em.”

Once these renovations are complete, KU plans to construct new features for McCarthy Hall which will include a carousel, a batting cage, an ice rink, and a laser tag course, all exclusively available for KU basketball players.

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