Hero of the alt-right movement, Milo Yiannopoulos, recently had clips surface where he openly talks about the “positive aspects of pedophilia.” Believe it or not, people aren’t too happy. Of course, “people” implies those who are not a part of the alt-right. The alt-right, however, is thrilled about this.
“I’ve really begun to get bored with the tedium of white superiority and other regressive social beliefs,” said John Boyle, 17 year-old alt-righter. “So when Milo glorified pedophilia, it just added a whole new flavor to the punch bowl.”
“Could there be a better way to alienate yourself from your staunchly conservative parents and liberal peers than to begin a casual practice in pedophilia?” another alt-right Twitter user rhetorically asked.
Adding to the narrative that Republicans care more about “drinking liberal tears” and causing a stir by attacking “political correctness” rather than having substantive conversation, alt-right members are taking breaks from totally “DESTROYING FEMINAZIS” on Twitter to advocate for pedophilia and Milo’s “free speech.” Many have taken to the streets to do their own sort of Women’s March. Although, this isn’t your typical protest march; alt-righters are just aimlessly wandering around their towns looking for children to stare at and maybe kiss a little.
“It’s not about the pedophilia,” said Mark, an alt-right member. “It’s about sending a message to the people, we won’t let you censor Milo! You’re just scared he’d destroy you in a debate like the liberal cuck you are.”
Luckily, police officers have been particularly watchful in response to this conservative craze. Many have taken posts at local playgrounds and schools to look out for poorly kept white kids with less-than-stellar social skills.
Police officers have taken advantage of predator tracking technology to bring ease to those scared of these deviant alt-righters. Using social media data, police are able to track an alt-righter at all times. You know how those big red dots show up when you look up convicted sex offenders in your neighborhood? Well the same thing happens, but these ones say “Make America Great Again” on them.
“When Milo talked about how cool it was to be molested by a priest in high school, it really struck a chord with me,” said Henry Dill, conservative teenager. “You see, I was also assaulted by an adult in my formative years, but I was under the impression that it was a terrible, traumatic event. Milo has showed me it was actually super rad and hilarious for me to have that opportunity!”
America’s favorite molestation vigilante, Chris Hansen, has even joined in on the fun. A new Dateline special, “To Catch an Alt-Righter” airs this Saturday. In this special, Hansen lures Milo lovers to a home under the guise that they are going to meet up with a young alt-righter to share Pepe memes and normalize pedophilia. In reality, Chris Hansen is waiting in the home to expose them and add them to the alt-right registry.
Who can really say whether or not Milo was right or wrong in the things that he said? Turns out, the answer to that question is pretty easy. The vast majority of society that agrees he’s a cunt.
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