It’s almost fall here at the University of Kentucky and that means that it’s fraternity formal season. For all of you sorostitutes out there looking to be taken on a weekend-long drunken sabbatical from school, here are the 5 and only ways to find yourself a formal date. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
5.) Actually be his girlfriend:
You’ve had your formal date secured since Matthew asked you to be his girlfriend that fateful night freshman year in-between shotgunning beers and grinding to Usher’s “Yeah” in some basement on State Street. You’ve had ample time to complete your cooler, and have it planned to the tee. However, your boyfriend better get one thing straight, if he thinks that he doesn’t actually have to ask you in a cute, nice way, just because you’re his girlfriend, he is so fucking wrong.
4.) The hook up:
It’s Friday night of fraternity rush and that means a few things: one, don’t throw up on the bus, and two, there will be ample opportunities for you to screw your way into going to formal. Target someone who you’ve had a questionable past with—like that kid you made out with on the date party bus freshman year. When the time is right, casually walk around the bar until you spot him. Throw a “Heeeeeeeeey! How have you been?!?!?” his way and let things progress from there.
3.) He went to your high school:
You know that kid from your high school who went Greek with you? He’s usually the only one of your high school friends who can relate to the pains and pleasures of Greek life, and knows exactly what you mean when you say, “Ugh, meeting,” or, “I wish Dean West would get a freaking life.” This kid is also your formal date in. Text him about a month before formal to see “how things have been” and then somehow work the topic into the conversation.
2.) Be one of the bros:
You may be referred to as a groupie from time to time, but who gives a shit? Not you, that’s for sure. Since freshman year you’ve only hung out with that one fraternity, and although they are your only guy friends, you wouldn’t trade them for the world. They treat you like one of the guys, and you’ve on several occasions changed in front of a few of them, forgetting that they were actually males. You often find yourself the only girl hanging out in the group, passing the bong and watching Netflix, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. Formal without you would just be weird. Good luck on deciding who you want to go with because you’ll have several options.
1.) He’s…a pledge:
Okay, you got a little desperate. Somehow, you’re finding yourself with no date less than two weeks before formal, and you’re freaking out. You promised yourself you wouldn’t go with a– you can’t even think it–pledge, but now it’s either keep your dignity or miss out on formal. You’re a fifth of tequila and one themed house party away from saying “fuck it” and finding a freshman to take you to NOLA. You haven’t been to a pledge party since first semester sophomore year, and as you’re dusting off that bin of themed clothing just remember, Champion’s Court dorm rooms are furnished with Tempur-Pedic mattresses.
So girls, as you’re bonging beers in Myrtle Beach or stumbling down Bourbon Street with a neck covered in beads, just be glad you read this article. And yes, you should have used a second coat of Mod Podge on your cooler because now it’s chipped to shit.