5 People You Meet in your UK Freshman Dorm

author-pic at University of Kentucky  

After years of chores, grounding, and being hassled by mom to clean your room, you are finally free to stay up till 3 a.m. playing Halo and to wash down a breakfast of cold pizza with substandard beer. You finally have your own room with a lock, no bedtime, no rules (because of the complete lack of fucks given by most Resident Advisors), and new friends. The people are what really make the dorm experience come to life. While no two freshman dorm neighbors are ever entirely alike, experience and years of research have shown that most of these misguided UK college yearlings fit into one (or possibly a combination of) five categories:

5.) The dorm party host:

 

Befriend this person! For good times, laughs, and a cornucopia of illegal, intoxicating substances, getting into this individual’s circle of friends is a must. The dorm party host is usually found sleeping until noon on weekends, enjoying a line or two of cocaine on a Thursday evening, or joining the inevitable eskimo brotherhood that will form on your floor. You can probably hear him or her laughing from across the building, and that laugh usually means it’s time to make your parents proud and put that grant money to good use. They gravitate toward majors like business and communications so that they can pursue their true passion: getting YOU shitfaced the night before your 8 a.m.

4.) The stoner:

He smokes hella weed and is so stoner that stoners look at him and say, “bro, he’s a stoner.” Seriously, for the love of God, this person probably has ‘recreational marijuana use’ listed as his religion. He knows everything there is to know about weed and will preach the gospel of its use to anyone and everyone who will listen. Walking into the stoner’s room is a fine balancing act, as layers of blankets and dryer sheets will cover the cracks of the door and the entrance in order to mask the smell of all that dank kush he’s rolling up.

3.) The DJ:

On any given day when you come home from class after a grueling 8:00 a.m., you can count on the soothing, wall shaking vibrations of the Floor DJ’s speakers. The DJ might lean to one genre or sample a mix of everything from Lady Gaga to Chance The Rapper. The DJ is likely close friends with the dorm party host and will leave you wondering whether or not he actually goes to class.

2.) The sheltered kid:

The sheltered kid is usually from an extremely religious family and is more than likely a virgin who has never encountered any form of illicit substance outside of a brief description in his or her high school health class. This kid will either strictly adhere to his upbringing or go completely off the deep end. Look forward to either being lectured out of an ancient religious text or partying with the world’s biggest lightweight. Expect some back and forth and take it easy on the poor kid. Freshman year is a steep learning curve for someone raised on a proverbial compound. But when the day comes that this kid gets laid, and believe me it will, the entire floor will celebrate and shower him with free alcohol and high fives.

1.) The gamer:

This individual will quickly adopt a nocturnal way of life, in which the only sunlight he gets will be on walks to class. Sleeping by day, loudly screaming obscenities into a headset by night, and neglecting to clean up an ever-growing pile of pizza boxes will become the gamer’s routine. Somehow though, you’ll still grow fond of this kid because he can quote South Park like a Jesuit Priest in Sunday School. Every now and then you’ll wander into the lair of the gamer to borrow a chemistry textbook or just to shoot the shit. You look around at the piles of garbage and you remind yourself to visit again the next time you feel like a slob.

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