Like most Louisianans, you’re probably pretty pissed to realize we’ll never get that white Christmas all of the cozy holiday songs and movies speak of. What is this “white snow” sorcery they speak of? We’re not even quite sure what the word “nippity” actually means. The closest thing to a frost bite we’ll ever get is a burn from the blazing sun or bites from the mosquitoes who still roam the earth, even though they’re supposed to like, hibernating or something. Here are 5 realistic things you probably should add to your impending Xmas list this sweaty holiday season:
5.) Chaffing Cream:
Ah, yes, a Louisiana Winter essential. Ever find yourself walking 1,000 miles to get to class after settling for a parking spot basically off campus, resulting in your sweaty thighs to rub themselves bloody and raw?? Forget about asking for those $50 leggings this holiday season, you’re going to need to stock up on all the thigh lubricant you can get your hands on.
4.) A Below 80-Degree Christmas:
We’re a little over our family Christmas parties turning into poolside ragers. Santa, give us a 70-degree Christmas… just this once? Is that too much to ask for??
3.) For The UREC Lazy River To Stay Open:
Like most water parks and public pools, the lazy river will be closed this winter season. But why? It’s not like we won’t be able to swim and lay out this winter season. Let’s just stop pretending we have any other seasons besides just this one.
2.) A Front Door For Middleton:
It’s one thing to have lost Smoker’s Alley to the mysterious construction taking place in the front of Middleton, but come on, the front door? It’s too damn hot to be running all the way around to the side of Middleton to enter her premises. We’re just too over-heated and fragile this week to have to walk those extra steps. Santa, please give us the front entrance to Middleton back.
1.) A Christmas Song Actually For Us:
Aren’t you tired of listening to all those songs speak of snowmen and flurry fields filled with winter wonderland-dreams and bullshit? What about the rest of us, who have never even seen snow and have to remove our adorable Christmas sweaters by noon? Give us a realistic song that speaks of bro tanks and heat strokes, a true Louisiana Christmas.
Enjoy the chilly weather for now, Tigers… sadly, it won’t last. So while all those kids in the North will be asking for stuff like cool new Parkas and shiny new snow chains for their tires, be sure to ask for the things you’ll actually need, like kiddie pools and sunscreen.
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