It all started when you received that birthday card from your parents that began with the words: “Youth is fleeting” that lead to the realization that instead of making some vague New Year’s resolution like “lose a bunch of weight!” or ‘”be a better person” (yea, ok,) us super-seniors should probably go for something a little more practical. Now that you’re old in college and basically the same age as your professor, it’s time to focus on just trying to get your shit together before maybe/finally graduating. Here are six resolutions you can take up to get yourself there.
6.) Maybe Don’t Bring Your Credit Card Out To The Bar:
Ever since you walked through those shiny foul bar doors freshman year with no curfew, you’ve told yourself repeatedly that you’ll spend no more than 15 bucks on drinks at the bar…but then somehow wake up the next morning with a horrible hangover and a nice email from your bank reminding you that you are a POS. C’mon, you’re old and wise enough now to know how this all works: Leave your credit card at your apartment, and instead opt for cash aaand maybe some free shots from the guy you will NOT be going home with.
5.) Spend More Time Studying In Middleton And Less In The Comfort Of Your Own Bed:
This is a tough one. You already spent the majority of your younger college years in the icy-cold dungeon that is Middleton Library, cramming loads of shit into your sleep deprived brain. But now that you’re a super senior, your bed seems like the optimal place for some crucial studying hours.
Please! We all know you’ll half ass it all, and then eventually give up and pass out right on your laptop. Hell yes the library sucks, but come on! You made it this far. Get out of your bed and put on your warmest clothes. You need Middleton… and yes, Middleton needs you.
4.) Stop Puking In The Bar, You Filthy Animal:
Don’t think this one needs much explaining. Yeah, it’s a rough…dark time in our lives. We know people our age who have top notch jobs and flossy apartments with DOUBLE screened TVs, but come on Derrick, with the freshman arm candy and vomit all over his skin-tight Affliction shirt…Get. Your. Shit. Together.
3.) Stop Posting Your GPA On Facebook:
We all know that asshole who does this. EVERY. Year. Yes, they worked harder than the rest of us and probably do deserve some type of pat on the back from F. King Alexander himself, but like, what kind of super senior does this? Do they really need to go on some spiel about how many drinking/sushi outings they had to sacrifice in order to receive those shiny A’s? Do they have it so much harder than the rest of us that they feel the need to let their grandmother and all of her friends know how much of a soldier they are? Plus, in this day and age, we all know Facebook is exclusively for animal and Tasty videos. Think about it…
2.) Don’t Be Afraid To Befriend A Freshman:
Oh, the freshmen. Look at them go. Naturally, us super seniors hate them because we get thrown into a random class with them, which only reminds us that while we’re graduating next year, (some of us with jobs, some of us finding ourselves in like, Colorado) they will be eating free meals in the 459 and going to school still-drunk. But as it turns out, they are so cute and clean and know what words like ‘sus’ means. They always have those color-coded study guides on deck, too. And Paw Points… so many Paw Points.
1.) Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Super-Senior Status:
No, do not lie and tell your judgey aunt that you’re a junior and only have one year left when you’re actually a fifth year looking forward to another ratchet football season. The truth is, we rock. While those overachievers have to wake up at 6:00 a.m. to go to work and do adult things, we’ll be sleeping in for our 3:00 p.m. Harry Potter English class, ending just in time to start drinking like we have the liver of your alcoholic uncle who wears that same Hawaiian shirt (unironically).
So, have some fun and take that one last victory lap (or two. Two is fine, too!)