Ah, winter came, she conquered, she got us out of class, and then she deuced. So while it’s still snowing on other campuses in the world, we’ve been severely blessed with the temperature of 90+ degrees and third degree burns. Winter’s cool, but didn’t you just miss those little things like neon bro tanks and stinging caterpillars that fall from the campus trees? Here are 7 things you probably missed all winter long:
Chaffing: a memoir. There’s nothing like power-limping to class under the bitch-ass sun, only to find that you indeed, made your inner thighs bleed from all that chub-a-rub-dubbin’. We’re just lucky a damn fire didn’t start up.
(Pro tip: Old Spice men’s deodorant, right between the thighs.)
With the sneaux all melted and temperatures and skin cancer on the rise, you somehow lost any strength you once had to study in the icy dungeon of Middleton. Instead, you’ve been summoned, finding yourself poolside, a Mike’s 190 in hand, drinking away any and all dreams you once had of a decent GPA. Aw, remember how healthy and motivated you once were?
What’s scary, hairy, and falls from trees, sent directly from God to destroy us and everything in their pathway? No, we’re not speaking of the campus squirrels this time, but those fuzzy little terrorists who enjoy pouncing on students’ faces and clothes…taking a dump on their perfectly fine day. And heads.
(Pro tip: invest in an umbrella and run really, really fast when walking near campus trees.
Edit: avoid all trees if possible.)
They’ve been waiting all winter long to rip the sleeves off their blouses again. It’s officially bro tank season, and we’re here for it.
Oh, if there’s one thing we all missed, it’s the LSU ENOers and their floating beds. These campus bums roll up to the Quad every single day and set up camp, ready to seize the day the best way they know how. It’s like they say: the higher the ENO, the higher the ENOer.
Suns out, strangely strong and talented students performing tricks in the quad, out. Why pay a bunch money to see SZA at BUKU when you can watch our own, personal Jack Johnson go ham on the guitar whilst barefoot in his ENO?! Nothing but FREE, top notch entertainment from the comfort of your local Quad. Ukulele players! Taekwondo matches! Muscly-armed male cheerleaders doing the splits! There’s something for everyone out here! (But, uh, If you’re looking to take a quiet and peaceful nap, forget it.)
Spring isn’t the only thing in the air! Ever catch yourself trailing behind a pack of teensy freshmen boys and wonder how the hell they’re able to produce that much sweat and B.O.? The entire campus smells of steaming, hot T Land dumpsters and UREC ass holes. This weather has to be just as dangerous as the sneaux, right? So while we patiently wait on that school cancellation email, please take a moment to enjoy ALL the sweet aromas around you and the fact that it looks like you just took a dip in the lakes after being in the sun for ten minutes.
Winter was cute and all, but it’s good to have our only other season back. Because if LSU does one thing right, it’s drinking by the pool, collecting healthy burns, and sweating our tiger dicks off. Stay wet, tigers!
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