For the past few weeks you’ve been treated as somewhat of a visiting out of state relative, until now. It’s 8a.m., you haven’t even had time to wipe the crust out of your eyes, but it’s apparently the best time for an intervention. “Okay, so a job isn’t going to find itself,” mom says. The wind is knocked out of you and you’d do just about anything to not have this conversation. Here’s a few things more pleasurable than your parents demanding you to dye your hair back to its original color during intervention hour:
7.) 5 o’clock traffic in Baton Rouge:
The predictability of driving at this time can be compared to Ariana Grande’s recent engagement. You may think you know what you’re in for, but you haven’t the slightest clue. It’s wholly baffling you willingly chose to do this, but here you are. You start hearing sirens, this should be interesting.
6.) Craving Chick-fil-A on a Sunday:
You’ve been watching what you eat the whole week, or whatever that means, despite the new gold mine on Burbank. You figured you’d indulge a little, and your timing couldn’t be more impeccable than a Sunday afternoon. This stab in the chest may be painful, but not as painful as your parents asking, “So are you seeing anyone these days?”
5.) Pressing “Submit” in Himes:
Your palms may be sweaty, knees may be weak, arms may be heavy. You’re nervous, and on the surface you’re a time zone away from being calm or ready for the grade about to pop up. This is still more delightful than your parents lecturing you on your bank statements.
4.) Not closing your tab at Fred’s:
Your parents transferred your monthly food/gas allowance to your account last week, but your balance is now at a whopping, $-5.47. Some unambiguous people would call this reckless, but we know it’s talent and more pleasant than a discussion of post graduation.
3.) Throwing up in The Quad:
You’ve pulled over into a bush, vodka water is piercing through your pores, and glistening on your skin. This is the moment you realize you’d sell your mom for a makeup wipe. You wouldn’t be in this predicament if you would’ve closed your tab last night. Although nauseous, you’re not as nauseous as being told you need to start going to Sunday Mass.
2.) Going To Plucker’s Sober:
This should never cross anyone’s mind. Although, for the case that it does, tell no one. It’d be detrimental to your status, if anyone were to find out. Still better than divine intervention with your parents, tho.
1.) Literally anything:
Perhaps, a razor scooter to the ankle? Spending the Summer with Jack Torrance at the Overlook Hotel? No, let’s do one better, how about being asked about your sex life by your doctor in front of your parents?
There comes a time in the summer when you realize you need to get back to the fires of school to get the hell out of your parents house. Until then, sit tight, but don’t sit for too long, unless you want to hear your mother yap, “You know your cousin, Morgan, can’t do much sitting with her internship and part time job.”
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