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7 Ways To Get Kicked Out Of JL’s

 

Are you a ritual Tigerland rat but the appeal of getting shit slammed and pooping on a pile of toilet paper is lost on you? Well, The Black Sheep has the cure for you! If you’ve ever wanted to make your time out a little more memorable, try getting kicked out of your favorite bar. Specifically, we’re talkin’ JL’s. You might be thinking, “How can I get kicked out of a place that puts up with so much debauchery?” No worries, there’s at least seven sheer ways to get your ass on the curb.

 

7.) Sneak Shit In:
Oh, you thought we meant sneak in your own alcohol? No, that’s exactly what they expect you to do. Wear a big coat and bring in an icy gallon of whole milk. Get on stage, rip open the coat, and pour the sweet nectar down your body and really rev up the crowd. The shock on the bartender’s face may give you enough time to kick yourself out before the homeboys get to you.

 

6.) Smoke Outside:
I swear to God, if you break the rule of “Cigs inside,” you will be personally carried out by every bartender and bouncer on the clock. Cigs inside is not just a rule, it’s a fucking way of life. You don’t go to Tigerland hoping to smell good by the time you leave. Wanna get kicked out? Pull your joes out on the patio and watch the horror unfold.

 

5.) Shrimp Dick:
If you’re a JL’s rat, you know the “shrimp dick” bit. It’s written under the drink specials and is referenced on their twitter 24/7. Even if you don’t, walk around and call the workers “shrimp dicks” and you’re sure to be out the door in no time.

4.) Order A Clean Sprite:
“Thou shalt be trashed” is one of the Tigerland-mandments. You don’t drink? Good riddance. You’ll be lucky if the bartender doesn’t turn around and call the police on a sober Sally like yourself.

 

3.) Furries:
This is JL’s Place, not your fucking forest LARP. Don’t wear your sexually charged wolf suit if you want to be welcomed in Tigerland. Freaks are not allowed, and your furry animal kinks will be shamed.

 

2.) Clone Yourself:
Here me out: clone yourself into several copies. Get a job at JL’s. Then, go to JL’s on the night one of your clones is working. Have your clone give you, your friends, and other clones you brought with you wristbands and free drinks all night. The workers will lose their fucking minds.

 

1.) Business Venture:
Convince the JL’s management that you’re a big time investor. Tell them you have a “great business venture” that’s “worth their while.” When they ask what it is, tell them “poo in the drinks.” Simple as that. They may ask you to repeat yourself. You say, “Poo in the drinks.” You can’t even get past the “the” before they kick you snatch square out the door.

 

Definite bucket list contenders.

 

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