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How To Completely Avoid Baton Rouge Traffic

If you’ve ever tried to drive around Baton Rouge, you know the struggle. You sit at a stop light for half an hour hating your life. You wait 10 minutes to take a left turn out of Circle K. You get to class late because you couldn’t find a parking spot on campus. Frick your life. Frick driving. Here’s how you can avoid Baton Rouge traffic and not frick your life.

Option 1— Don’t Leave Home:
Why would you want to leave home anyway? People suck. The outside world sucks. Especially if you live in Baton Rouge. Like, honestly, wouldn’t you rather stay home and binge The Office for the fifth time or get your rankings up in Call of Duty? C’mon now, you’re better than mingling with the outside world. The University of Phoenix can hook you with pristine online classes anyway.

Option 2—  Public Transportation:
Ah yes, the bus…specifically, a Tiger Trails bus. Nothing quite like exchanging dismal looks of depression and death on the way to your 8 a.m. class on a Monday in a lovely purple bus. Just pop in your earbuds, sip your coffee and tell yourself it’ll be okay. It might not be totally okay while your ass is bouncing up and down thanks to BR potholes from hell, but at least you don’t have to search for a parking spot on campus!

Option 3—  Razor Scooters:
Scoot your way up and down Highland to get maximum clout points boys and girls! Any girl or guy who catches you zooming down Nicholson on one of these timeless beauties will want to get in your pants in an instant. Guaranteed. Who the hell doesn’t want to hit a wheelie skirting around the quad??

So there you have it, fellow Tigers. Three simple and easy tricks to avoid the black hole of BR traffic: Fuck the outside world and stay in the comfort of your own home. Hit up those Tiger Trails busses as a necessary evil and hate your life along with the other bus-riding zombies. Or be a real one and achieve maximum clout points by ripping the shit out of your Razor scooter on the way to class. Fuck a car. You’re better than that.

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