F. King Alexander Vows to Lower Tuition by $100 for Every Dead Squirrel Turned In
Welcome back, Tigers! As you begin to settle back into your overpriced apartments, spend all of your Christmas money on new textbooks, and stock up on fresh packs of ramen, we at The Black Sheep hope you don’t forget the fallen soldiers lost to the vicious squirrel attacks in the fall semester of 2016. With recent TOPS cuts, students are faced with a much higher fee bill than normal. This semester, President F. King Alexander has proposed a way for students to save money on tuition while simultaneously decreasing our campus’ squirrel attack rates.
Alexander’s new plan for 2017 involves sacrifice, bloodshed, and lots and lots of rabies shots. Alexander has stated that for every squirrel turned in to his office, $100 will deducted off the student’s fee bill. Several sources have confirmed this to be true, with an official statement from Alexander himself: “The bloodier the better. I want those sons-a-bitches gone. Eating all my trail mix and leaving nothing but the raisins.” While this plan of action is confirmed, unofficial reports claim that Alexander may have also mentioned doubling the price of the bounty if the squirrels are brought to his desk alive. Speculations have been made that Alexander plans on hanging live, wounded squirrels around campus to warn and deter other squirrels from attacking in the future.
Students across campus have caught wind of these plans for the spring semester, and have strong opinions about how this could play out. Freshman Brad Landry commented, “All I know is one day I was walking into Allen, literally inside of a building, and what I assumed to be either a Yorkie or a bear cub climbed up my leg inside my pants right into my underwear.” Landry continued, “That was not cool. The only thing allowed inside my pants are Phi Mu girls.” Students all across campus just like Brad are sick of these types of injustice and assault from local squirrels.
We can only hope that with the help of F. King Alexander’s Squirrel Bounty Rally 2017, students will be safe from future attacks. For now, Alexander vows to set up health stations throughout campus with various items to aid in squirrel attack healing and prevention. The stations will contain an array of rat poisons, band-aids, and hockey sticks. The stations will be run by none other than Les Miles who will literally do anything to work for this school. Until then, stay safe Tigers.