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Groovin’ On The Grounds Desperately Hires Kid Rock Impersonator Over Budget Cuts Crisis

With LSU’s ongoing budget cut crisis, Groovin’ on the Grounds finally announces plans to bring in local Kid Rock impersonator to headline this year’s event, replacing Beyoncé, who originally was scheduled to perform at the annual LSU event later this month.

“We regret to inform you that queen Beyoncé Knowles has been been cancelled due to lack of funds, but will be replaced by a very talented, very prominent, Kid Rock impersonator,” announces Becky Kornhauser, head of the Groovin’ on the Grounds Committee, earlier this week. “Seriously, you should see this guy, I literally thought I was back in 1987, on the shoulders of some truck driver in my American flag bandeau,” swears Becky during the committee meeting.

Becky explains the committee was, “in over their heads” believing they could actually afford Beyoncé, and had to last minute replace Queen B with local Kid Rock impersonator, claiming they were lucky enough to even hire the (look-alike) rock legend after having a brutal meeting with the financial department in which they were told the school cannot even afford chalk, much less, the biggest pop star in the world.

“We really wanted to aim high this year…we were screamin’ ‘money doesn’t matter,’ you know, to prove to the students that we still got it, considering all the flack we got for headlining Kesha at last year’s event. But in this economy… these kids should be grateful, we barely got this guy. I mean, there was a lot of bribing involved. We made a lot of calls with other artists— tried Nickelback, they said ‘hard pass’, we even tried the Insane Clown Posse but they were way out of our price range and didn’t pass our health regulations.”

Many of the students, who look forward to this annual event are completely outraged by the change of entertainment, comparing this year’s event to the infamous Fyre Festival.

“Who the f*ck is Kid Rock?” asks freshman Kendra, avid music festival goer.

“I literally go to every music festival, even the EDM ones in Europe, and literally have no idea who that is. Wait, is he the guy who sings, ‘Callin’ Baton Rouge’?”

Florida native, “Kidd Rock” (who would not reveal his birth name), says he was first discovered in his Florida state Walmart while shopping with his nana one afternoon.

“This shit wasn’t planned, I didn’t even know I looked like him. I was just cruising through Walmart one day, with Nana about ten years ago, when I was mobbed by a crowd of people in the music section. They were ripping disposable cameras right off the shelves, asking for my autograph and shit. Keep in mind, this was around the time “Rock N’ Roll Jesus” came out. That was my big moment, that was the moment that changed my life.”

Kidd Rock says he’s performed all over America for the past decade, bringing, “good vibes and good times” to every occasion.

“I’ve performed at all kinds of events around the country: weddings, funerals, proms, sweet sixteens. A lot of quinceaneras. Man, it’s been such a ride, I’ll definitely bring the heat to LSU, always a good time in the red stick.”

LSU would like to remind all students that Groovin’ on the Grounds is scheduled for March 22nd in the PMAC, and is a FREE event for all students (for now!)


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