How LSU Slowly Morphs its Students into Characters from The Office
College has probably put you through the depths of hell and back. You’ve seen hardship, you’ve seen misery, you’ve seen fucking WAR. This is the only experience that can make you really identify with all walks of life and all kinds of people. Kumbay-fuckin-ya, right? Now, if you’ve ever seen The Office, you know it’s got some weird as hell characters. Some you think, “Nah, that could never be me.” WRONG. Dead-ass wrong. It can, and it has. Here are some characters from The Office that you’re slowly and miserably morphing into thanks to LSU.
Perhaps everyone’s favorite. He’s seemingly one of the most happy-go-lucky, joyous, and loyal people. He’s also hella naïve. This is you at the beginning of the semester. Michael is you before writing the anxiety-ridden, late-night, uber-procrastinated writing of papers. He is you before the morning spouts of beer-diarrhea while having flashbacks from the night before. He is you before LSU chews you up and violently pushes you out of its butthole. Innocent, sincere, and trusting. You remember yourself back then. Those were the days, right?
Dwight is the character you love dearly, but probably would never want to be like. But inevitably, it happens. You just start to get weird. You blindly kiss your professor’s ass in hopes for that mercy grade boost at the end of the semester. You spout off useless bullshit in people’s faces because your brain doesn’t know what else to do with it. Your style becomes just as revolting as you start waking up two minutes before class and throwing on those sweatpants that aren’t really socially acceptable. The semester begins to make you into a big ole dick, and you annoy everyone.
Kevin is perhaps one of the most endearing idiots ever. His body shape doesn’t make any fucking sense to look at; it’s really shocking to think about how he even got his job in the first place. This is you after that first round of tests. Essentially, you become brain dead. Your body starts to become more and more ambiguous after the fifth night in a row of Hungry Howie’s, and you can’t physically shove any more fucking information in your brain.
Meredith is you after every shitty exam. In the aftermath, you lose all social skills and sense of boundaries, because your only mission is to FUCK SHIT UP. The more shots you take, the more you want to hump everything in the room. Meredith is our sloppy drunk alter ego.
Aaaaaaaaannnddd it happened. You give absolutely zero fucks. Someone could literally walk straight up to you and spit directly into your mouth, and you’d probably say sorry. You’ve become Toby. LSU has officially torn you a new asshole and you cannot feel any longer. You’re basically the human equivalent of Allen Hall basement. Gloomy, dirty, and everyone fucking hates you.
If you ever start to feel like Creed Bratton, drop out immediately and move home. Something has gone terribly wrong.
Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out: