How to Get It Up: 6 Titillating Ways to Raise Your GPA This Fall

author-pic at Louisiana State University  

At the start of each semester, we often ask ourselves the same question. How can I get it up? By “it” we’re referring to your messed up, rock bottom, lower than your mother’s expectations GPA, and by “up” we mean the direction. What did you think it was going to mean? It’s time to give your GPA a MAJOR boner. You’re a grower not a shower, so it’s time to put in those long, hard hours.

6.) Give your professor a pet name:
Nothing says familiarity like a nice pet name. Try something cute like “asshat” or “fuckface.” They’ll really appreciate it. The normal student will go with something normal like Dr. and then their actual last name. Don’t be one of those! But if you do feel like you need to make things a little more formal, “Dr. Asshat” or “Dr. Fuckface” should do just fine.

5.) Write all essays in Wingdings:
Wingdings and the English language go together like chocolate and strawberries. It just works. Your English professor will want to see you eat those strawberries in front of them really slowly, putting the whole thing in your mouth, and keeping constant eye contact. Just don’t break eye contact, that makes shit weird.

4.) Take “supplements”:
Time to go into daddy’s medicine cabinet to get those little blue pills that mommy likes so much. If they increase blood flow to your dad’s junk, then they’ve got to increase circulation to the sexiest of organs… the brain. Your brain will be so turned on to knowledge that just thinking of a library will make you want to study the hell out of some books.

3.) Mark your territory by licking your roommate’s possessions:
Lick things that are personal to your roommate, like their phone or a picture of their dog. Lick the object slowly and deliberately while they stand in front of you. After the deed is done, your roommate will probably ask you why you licked their shit. Instead of answering them, just stare at them with a blank face until they walk away. This will mark your territory and create a positive and quiet study space for you to learn and do your best!

2.) Speed up study-time by doing drugs:
Often, we are left with little time to actually study the material which will be on the test. Fix this problem with a little friend we like to call Adderall. Your fat ass might even lose some weight. Unfortunately, there are a few side effects like dependence and not actually studying, but you got to do what you got to do. Go get ‘em tiger.

1.) Buy a ferret and use it as a service animal:
Your ferret’s appearance will be a constant reminder of your current, flaccid GPA, a true handicap. Bring it to your classes, show it to your friends, show it to that special person in your life. They’ll all be in awe at how small it is. What’s more motivation than that?

Hard and thick are the books you must read, but this list will help you go all the way. Ready for the semester? BTW, the answer is “hell to the no.”